Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [9]
Just like that 4-year-old who wanted his milk and cookies, your 14-year-old will pursue you. “What do you mean we’re not going to Miranda’s? You always take me to Miranda’s on Tuesdays.”
“We’re not going to Miranda’s because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me earlier.”
You turn your back and walk away. No matter what pleading, what tantrum, what apology happens, you don’t take her to Miranda’s. She has to be the one to explain to Miranda why she can’t come. Of course, she might present a different take on the situation than you would, but what does that matter? You’ve made your point, and your daughter will think through her words more carefully the next time.
If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, “I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.” Is that respectful of your child?
Once you’ve said it, turn your back. Expect your words to be heeded. There’s no peeking over your shoulder to see if the child is doing what you say. There’s no backtalk, no argument. You’ve said your words calmly, and they’re over.
Then you walk away and get busy doing something else.
Will your children be mad? Shocked? Confused? Will you have a few days of hassle? Oh yes!
But let me ask you something. How do you feel after you get into a skirmish with your child? Angry? Bad? Guilty? Do you yell and then beat yourself up the rest of the afternoon for doing so? Do you “should” yourself (“I should have done this; I should have done that”)? Are you the pigeon running through the maze, trying to get the reward of making your kids happy? Do you really want to live like that?
How do you deal with your 16-year-old when you discover a Penthouse magazine under his bed? With your 2-year-old who kicks you in the stomach when she’s riding in a cart at the grocery store? (I once had a child kick me at a restaurant, and I didn’t even know the kid. Talk about an embarrassed parent.) How do you handle the “I hate you/I love you” every-other-minute switches in your adolescent? The phone call from the principal letting you know your fun-loving son went a little too far this time?
What’s normal (or is there normal?) and to be expected? What should you major on and what should you let go? In the next chapter, we’ll talk about the 3 things most important to parents nationwide: Attitude, Behavior, and Character.
Remember, children are like pigeons. They need to work a bit for their rewards. Because they are creatures of habit, they need consistency and follow-through or they’ll get lost in the maze. They also need to know they don’t have free reign to run all over that maze and still expect a reward at the end of it.
Suppose you and I went through life following our feelings for the next 30 days. We said exactly what we thought, did what we wanted, didn’t do what we didn’t want to do. What would life be like at the end of those 30 days? A mess! We wouldn’t have a job because we would have dissed our boss. Our friends would have said, “Forget you.” And someone would have shot us on the expressway.
Today’s children need guidance. They need accountability. They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or for their inaction). Otherwise their lives will run amok.
The other day, when my daughter and I were at the airport, we watched 3-year-old twins slugging each other. What was Mom doing? Talking on her cell phone. What was Dad doing? Reading the newspaper. I told my daughter jokingly, “Those are the kind of kids who will make your dad a wealthy man.”
Parent, it’s time for you to step up and be a parent. Your child needs to know that you mean business—what you say is what you will do. You are not to be dissed, and if you