Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [63]
Sure, there are times when your kids do need your attention (like when you leave something on the stove and they smell it burning), but many times theirinterruptions are merely that—interruptions. It’s another way to control you, to be boss of the home. You deserve some uninterrupted times—to complete work, talk with girlfriends on the phone, etc.
So what can you do to get your point across, other than yelling (which doesn’t get your point across anyway)? As soon as your kids start their dog and pony show, continue talking on the phone, but remove your children from the situation and isolate them (perhaps in their room or even outside the kitchen door). With young children, doing this for a couple minutes will seem like a lifetime. For older children, it can be a longer period of time.
Then after you’re off the phone, talk to your children about how their interruption made you feel. “It’s important to me to talk to Sandy. She’s my friend and I enjoy talking to her. You like talking to your friends too, don’t you? When you interrupt me when I’m on the phone, I don’t appreciate it. I take it personally. By interrupting me, you’re saying you don’t care about me, what interests me, or my friends.”
In other words, take action, and follow that action with an explanation. But do not interrupt what you’re doing.
I got an email from a mom who heard me talk about this in a seminar. She tried it on a beautiful summer day after she returned home, when her children interrupted her as she talked on the phone with her girlfriend. She simply continued talking and ushered them outside the kitchen door into the backyard and locked the door. Forty-five minutes later she said to her girlfriend, “Oh, my goodness! I forgot something—the kids are still outside!” (See “Telephone Courtesy” for the rest of the story.)
Do you think those children forgot that lesson? After that, when their mom was on the phone and they felt they needed something, they merely shrugged and walked away. Most of the time what they needed was something they could get themselves—and they learned to be more independent.
You deserve the freedom to talk on the phone without interruptions. That’s your time, and it’s all part of the respect issue. Don’t let it go unaddressed.
Irresponsibility with Car, Driving
Driving is a privilege, not a given, in my book. A child’s first responsibilities are to home, school, sports practice, music lessons, etc. Driving follows those in importance, but it can become the singular focus in a child’s mind once she turns 15.
In order to be able to take out the family car or have a car of her own, a child needs to show a tremendous level of responsibility. Also, it’s smart for the child to have taken driver’s education classes (it also saves you in insurance money). Some very smart parents I know have rules if the child wants to drive the family car after she turns 16:
1. No more than one friend in the car with you.
2. No talking on the phone or text messaging.
3. No alcohol ever in the car.
4. Be home at a reasonable hour.
5. You pay half the insurance every six months.
Do you think their daughter, now 18, is respectful of her parents and careful with the family vehicle?
Just because your child turns 16 doesn’t mean he’s ready to drive. Driving requires focus, seriousness, and discipline. If your child is irresponsible, why would you want him driving your child is irresponsible, why would you your $32,000 vehicle? And why would you want him to take his life and the lives of his friends and other drivers into his hands? Driving is a mountain, a very serious mountain.
If your child isn’t responsible enough to drive, he shouldn’t get the keys to the family car. Or if he does, then you or another responsible adult need to go with him as he drives. Is this an inconvenience, since you hoped to be free of all the running to activities when your child turned 16? Of course it is. But so is the majority of parenting. However, the flip side is far costlier.
Recently in western New York, 5