Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [64]
Now, I ask you: is it worth having certain rules that your children must follow for driving the family car? If your child doesn’t follow those rules and acts irresponsibly, is it really so bad that she will have to take a 1-month or 3-month time-out on driving? The alternative could be so much worse, as the parents of those 5 girls have discovered.
Taking away the car keys will gain you a temporary earful but will save your child—and others on the road—from tremendous danger.
Isolating Oneself (in His or Her Room)
“Since Andrea turned 13, I never see her anymore. She comes home from school and goes straight to her room. She spends her time on the phone, text messaging, and changing clothes. It’s like she’s not even a member of the family anymore.”
Let me clarify something from the beginning. It is very normal for teens to come home from school, go to their room, and close the door for a while. Talking to friends on the phone, text messaging, etc., is very important to teenagers. And spending time alone helps them process all the changing hormones and resulting emotions.
What I’m talking about is the child who spends all of her time in her bedroom. Knowing when the child is spending too much time in her room is a parent’s judgment call. Only you know, from your child’s behavior, when she simply needs time alone and when she is literally walling herself off from the rest of the family. Some kids become recluses in their own home.
If this is happening in your home, the first place to start is by evaluating your own behavior. When a child separates herself from her family by isolating herself in her bedroom, here’s what she’s really saying: I don’t like being around you. Every time I open my mouth, you correct me and judge me. Every time I wear something, you look at me funny. You don’t like my hair, my clothes, or my music. I’m done with you.
When a kid is ragged on all the time and told how to do life and when to do it by a hovering parent, that kid will always duck out and head toward her room to escape it. Who can blame her? Would you want to be ragged on all the time?
So you need to ask yourself, What am I doing to contribute to my child’s behavior? If all you do is pry and ask questions, stop! The best way to shut children down is by asking questions. Instead, listen to your children. If your daughter mentions something that happened at school, simply say, “Tell me more about that. That must have been fun/hard.” Leave the door open for dialogue, but don’t push. When you stop pushing, you’ll be amazed what you begin to hear from your child.
At the heart of this behavior is a child’s need for acceptance. When your child talks to friends, those friends accept the hairstyle you think is goofy (they think it’s cool or at least don’t rag him about it), her too-tight shirt, and his baggy pants. When you look at the long term, those things are not mountains, they’re molehills. (Think about the stupid things you wore in eighth grade. Enough said?)
Your child needs to know you accept and love him unconditionally. That is the foundation for a lifetime of communication.
Know-it-all Attitude
Children know it all. They’re born with knowing it all, and you can’t tell them any different.
“The show starts at 6,” you say.
“No, it doesn’t,” your daughter argues. “It starts at 8.”
“The program says 6,” you say.
And on the debate rages.
You can’t tell a know-it-all anything.
So why not let reality do the teaching? If you know something starts at 6:00 and your child insists it’s at 8:00, follow her lead. Show up at 8:00, when it’s all over, and let your child experience the reality of misinformation. Sure, you attended an event you