Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [83]
How does powerful behavior develop? It doesn’t come out of thin air. When I teach about power games in seminars and someone tells me, “Dr. Leman, I have anextremely powerful young daughter,” my first response to that parent is, “Which one of you is the powerful one—you or your spouse?”
Children learn their behavior from somewhere. It’s modeled for them. That means parents need to be very careful about how they express their frustration.
I understand how tough it is to be around young ones all day. I’ve had 5 children myself. So when my daughter Krissy phoned me one day and said, “Dad, I just need to get out of the house,” I could relate. “Sure,” I said, “I’ll meet you.” Being around children all day is exhausting. There are constant demands, and they take their toll on you. But if your frustration with those demands you chose when you decided to become a parent is taken out on your children, then you’ve got a problem that needs to be addressed. After all, you are the adult.
If you get into a power struggle with your child, you are destined to lose. A child can hold out much longer than you can; she’s singularly focused on that one thing she wants, while you have multiple things you’re thinking about. You’ll give in every time just to have the power struggle over. And then the child wins.
If your child is trying to draw you into a power struggle, the solution is simple: don’t go there. Don’t get drawn in. Don’t fall for it. Instead, calmly begin withdrawing the norm—no fanfare, no threats. If your child says, “I’m not going!” in no uncertain terms, leave the child at home. But then when she wants to go a friend’s house, you don’t go. If your child says, “I’m not doing my homework!” drop the matter. Then the next day write a note to the teacher:
Elizabeth refused to do her homework last night. Would you please give her an F on this assignment and do whatever you need to do to encourage her to do her homework from now on? Many thanks.
What’s important is that your child learns she is accountable for her behavior. “I don’t want to” and laziness are no excuses. Is this tough to do as a parent? Sure. It’s easierto just drive the kid where she wants to go for a few hours and do her homework yourself. But what are you teaching your child in the long run? Hey, if I don’t do something, no worries. Mom will do it. It comes back to this: are you running a home or a hotel? If it’s a hotel, most likely you’re the maid. Is that how you want to spend your days?
It’s time to get tough. Children need to learn that the jig is up. If they don’tdo what they’re supposed to, there are immediate consequences relating to that behavior.
Procrastination
If you’ve got a kid you always have to push to get anything done, there’s one thing I’d bet my paycheck on: your child has at least one perfectionistic, flaw-picking parent. Is it you or your spouse?
Kids who procrastinate do it for a reason. What’s the purposive nature of procrastination? It protects them from criticism because you can’t criticize what’s not done. Are they capable of doing that job? Yes, in most cases. But they fear criticism so much that they will fail to complete the task. They might even run right up to the finish line on the project, but just before the end, they’ll make an abrupt right turn and involve themselves in something else. They run in spurts: when they’re hot, watch out. But then they hit a cold streak and stop. If you find this to be true in your home and family, I’ve got a great book for you: When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough.
These children love piles. They surround themselves with books and papers. They have multiple projects that are unfinished. Why do they love mess? Because procrastinators are stacking the deck against themselves. They feel they don’t measure up, so they’ll draw a picture, then say it’s no good and tear it up in front of your eyes. They’ll do their homework but not hand it in. They’ll stop short of completing nearly