Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [84]
All these behaviors stem from fear. Procrastinators fear evaluation because their parents are perfectionists who have set standards so high that the children can never meet them.
In many families, firstborns are the achievers—the ones who are born to fly high in their adult life. They’re the adults who always hit the home runs and become airplane pilots, civic leaders, surgeons, etc. But let’s say that the firstborn has an overly perfectionistic parent. Then the firstborn will become a procrastinator. There’s a role reversal that happens as the firstborn takes the initial emotional hit from a perfectionistic parent. Then it’s the secondborn who becomes the superachiever—the self-motivated, mature, in-control-of-life person who proceeds through life with great skill and ability—while the firstborn flounders in expectations. This phenomenon plays itself out in life, especially when there are 3 years or less between the firstborn and the secondborn.
If your child thinks he can’t measure up to your standards, he won’t try. Or he’ll try only so far and won’t get to the finish line.
This is why it’s so important to know the difference between praise and encouragement. (Refer back to the chapter “Thursday” for more specifics.) When you praise a child, it’s analogous to sticking a carrot on a stick in front of a donkey and letting it swing. “If you’re a good boy, I’ll give you a carrot.” The problem is that every time the donkey tries to get a bite of that carrot, it moves! If you’re a perfectionistic parent, your child knows he can jump higher and higher for you . . . and never win your praise.
Praise focuses on the actor: “You’re the greatest kid in the world!” Encouragement focuses on the act: “Thank you so much for doing that. That was very helpful.” “Oh, that’s terrific. The extra studying really paid off, didn’t it? Great job!”
The perfectionistic parent who says, by his own words and actions, “You better jump—and jump higher—to measure up in my book,” has a high probability of creating a carrot seeker who will always be looking for an emotional star.
In contrast, children who grow up with encouragement rather than praise feel a sense of support, rallied trust, and confidence all throughout life. They are finishers rather than procrastinators.
Punching Holes in Walls
This is one of the most common behaviors I’m asked about in counseling, and usually it’s boys doing the punching. Girls tend to slam doors and yell, “I hate you!” Guys are more likely to lose it and punch holes in the walls (hey, even adults do it—dads especially). One dad told me shamefacedly that he was so mad at his teenage son that he himself smacked the car window, broke it, and had to take himself to the hospital for stitches. (And he wondered where his son had learned to punch walls.)
When your child is punching walls, he’s most likely a child who has been angry for a lot of his life. I’ve got news for you. This type of behavior isn’t an easy fix because the anger has been brewing for a long time. Oftentimes embarrassed parents try to deal with this situation at home. But what that child needs is some professional help. (And I’m not just saying this because I’m a psychologist and I need to make a buck. I’m saying it becauseit’s the truth.) These are the children who are so angry and volatile that they could go off the deep end and hurt someone else. You read about them in the news, and if you don’t handle the situation appropriately and immediately, your child could be making his own news.
Does this mean that you don’t do anything at home with the situation? Of course not. First you need to say, “We are not tolerating this behavior in our house.” The problem is that the behavior is so fixed by now that it’s like the grain in a plank of wood. It goes one way and can’t change. You can wax it, polish it, or paint it, but the grain stays the same direction. That’s why it’s so important to train a child to love, respect, and be a member of the family when he’s young.
So please get some professional help for your child to work through