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By Root 978 0

his anger issues. But don’t let him get away scot-free at home either. Your child should be working to make the money it will take to repair the holes in the walls. If he doesn’t have a part-time job to do that, then suspend his allowance until the repairs are paid out of it. Also remember that “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” That means you don’t drive him to a friend’s house when he says, “I’m not going to counseling.” Counseling is the one thing you need to insist he goes to, for his sake—and for the rest of the family’s.

Don’t back down on this mountain.

Putting Each Other Down

“You’re a—”

“No, you’re a—”

“I’m telling Mom!”

Does this sound familiar in your house?

Children will put each other down. What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To make themselves look better—and to get your attention. As children get older, sometimes the put-downs are more subtle, but they’re put-downsall the same.

Put-downs are a form of fighting. In order to fight, two people have to be involved. To end the put-down game, take both children to a room and tell them that neither of them is coming out until this thing gets worked out to your satisfaction. That means the children don’t exit that room until they show that they’ve reached an agreement and apologized to each other. Then life outside that room can go on.

What are you teaching those children? That they need to resolve their own battles; you are not going to be Big Mama Gorilla, who sits on her youngsters to solve their skirmishes. Your children need to learn they are responsible for their actions and their words.

You’re saying, “In this family, we’re not going to tolerate putdowns or name-calling. We’re a family. That means we support each other. That means when you want to be in a play, we support you and go see you in that play. When your sister plays soccer, we support her and go to her games. That’s what family is all about. When you put each other down, that hurts everyone. And it breaks down our family.”

Do not tolerate put-downs in your family. Period.

Respect

This is a fundamental issue for all families. Without respect, there is no family. You’re simply people living together in one building and doing your own thing when you wantto do it. Responsibility, accountability, and respect are what make a family a family.

When you hold a child accountable for being respectful of you and other members of the family, you are being respectful of him. After all, if a young man doesn’t learn to respect his mother, who is he going to bring home to marry someday? A woman he can dominate and wipe his feet on. And if a daughter isn’t respectful of her father, what kind of view will she have of the other men in her life, including her boss at work? She’ll marry a guy she can push around. Her disrespect for her male supervisor will not only get her in trouble; it may get her fired.

A parent’s outlook on life is transmitted to the children. That means we as parents need to think about our words before we say them. Are they ones we’d want our child to remember? Or are they words spoken in haste that aren’t respectful? We need to remember that every member of the family gets a vote on family activities. That doesn’t mean your child runs the family, but part of being a family member is the perk of getting a say in things.

When you listen to your child’s opinion and care about the things she values, you’re saying, “I value you and respect you. I care about what you think and feel.”

Respect is a two-way street. If your child isn’t respecting you, take a look at yourself first to see if you’re a part of the problem.

Most of the time, respect issues stem from the Attitudes, Behavior, and Character of one or both parents.

I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. I said up front that there will be times in this book when you won’t like what I have to say. This is one of those times. But please hear me out, for your family’s sake. You are the key to your child’s behavior. In order to move your child toward respecting you, you have to be willing to make