Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [94]
A wise parent will take a hard-line approach to get the behavior stopped immediately. There is far too much at stake.
Spaceyness
“Oh, she just forgets to do it. She’s kinda spacey.”
Most parents live in La-La Land. They have a ready excuse for their child at every turn. What are they really saying? “Oh, my child’s accountable for nothing.”
Well, what happens later when your child is 21 or 22 years of age and still isn’t held accountable for anything? How will his employer (if he has one) feel about that? What about when he wrecks your car and still isn’t accountable?
Why is it that we feel we must project our children as winners at every turn? That we must make up for what they don’t do? Why can’t we hold our kids accountable?
I’m convinced it’s because many parents today are too lazy to parent. They take the easy way out. They’ve grown up with the “me, me, me” view too, and life is still all about them, so children run amok without parental supervision. The parents do this all in the name of letting their child be an “individual,” I might add.
If your child spaces out on his homework, let him suffer the consequences the next day. If your child forgets to bring in his bike from the driveway and someone steals it, don’t buy him a new bike. That’s a good lesson on taking care of your possessions, one that he’ll remember for a long time—especially when his buddies want him to go biking and he has to explain why he doesn’t have a bike anymore. (Sometimes peer pressure can be very useful in changing behavior.)
It is through failures that children learn diligence and discipline so that they can become successful later in life. Excuses regarding their spaceyness will only weaken their development.
Children will be spacey. They will be daydreaming sometimes and not hear your instructions. Other times they’ll simply forget. But for every action there is a consequence, and the sooner children learn that, the better.
Spanking
This is a hot topic, and parents are polarized on their perspectives. But you’re reading this book to see what I think as a psychologist and an expert, so I’ll tell you.
There’s a time and a place for giving your child a whack on the behind as the most appropriate discipline you can come up with. That is when your child is defiant.
What do I mean by defiant? Let’s say your child is playing with an electrical outlet, and you tell him, “No, I don’t want you to play with that. It’s dangerous.” But then he looks at you, narrows his eyes, and does it again. That’s defiance. It’s an active choice that says, “I am not going to obey you. In fact, I’m going to do exactly what you say not to do. I’m in charge.”
Now don’t you think that deserves a swat on the behind? But let’s also define what a spanking is. Spanking should never be done when you, the parent, are angry. You need to remove your child from the situation and calm down first if you are angry. You won’t act rationally if you don’t. A swat on the behind needs to be preceded with an explanation of why you are spanking the child and should not be done simply as a knee-jerk reaction. “I don’t appreciate what you did just now. It showed me that you are choosing to disobey me and to do exactly what I’m asking you not to do. That is not respectful of me as your parent.” Then proceed with the swat.
Let me clarify what I mean by a swat, though. A swat is an open hand on a kid’s tush. It’s a onetime shot.
That is very different than a prolonged, angry spanking that whales on the child. Using your hand (so you can feel how hard you are swatting your child) is also different than hitting a child with a belt. Many angry parents, sadly, proceed to abuse their children instead of disciplining them to correct a behavior. If you were physically abused as a child,