How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [115]
MOVING FROM ACCEPTANCE TO COMPASSION
When we accept ourselves for who we are—as people filled with strengths and weaknesses—it's easier to accept the flaws we find in others. Acceptance makes it easier to tolerate differences, and this allows for greater cooperation. Meditation, as we have seen, specifically strengthens the key neural circuit that connects our cognitive skills with our social skills and our emotions, and the end result of a well-functioning brain is the generation of deep compassion and love. And, unlike other animals, we appear to have the only brain that can show compassion toward every living thing on the planet. That, truly, is an amazing neurological feat.
So tomorrow, after you drive home at the end of the day, take a few minutes to relax before you get out of the car. Imagine the people you will soon see, and generate a compassionate thought. Yawn a few times, and think of a compliment you can give. It doesn't have to be large, just genuine, and a small one will do just fine. Even saying something simple, like, “It's good to be home,” can open the doors of compassion. Then, mindfully walk to the front door with a smile on your face, remaining conscious of every step and sound. Even if you say nothing when you stroll through the door, you'll feel better, and that emotional state will resonate in everyone else's brain. By speaking and behaving mindfully toward others, you will have made your relationship an integral part of your personal and spiritual path.
TWENTY-ONE STRATEGIES FOR KEEPING THE PEACE
Compassion sets the stage for conflict resolution, but once a compassionate dialogue begins, other skills are needed to ensure that the conversation stays on track. To help you accomplish this, we're going to suggest twenty-one strategies that have been consolidated from hundreds of studies in the fields of psychology, business management, divorce mediation, and political peace-making strategies. And it all begins with a cardinal rule: When it comes to dialoguing with others, anger never works. This is the consensus of nearly all psychologists, consultants, spiritual leaders, and neuroscientists throughout the world. Anger, hostility, and even a demanding attitude expressed in a dialogue is enough to trigger the release of numerous stress hormones throughout your body and brain.27
Anger may be an unavoidable facet in conflicted relationships, but it always derails the communication process by interrupting the frontal lobe processes of language, logic, and cooperative interaction. Even hearing an underlying angry tone in the other person's voice is enough to shut down a constructive discussion.28 Conflicting emotional cues can also disrupt other cognitive functions.29
Even if the other person disguises a contemptuous feeling behind a smile, the anterior cingulate in your brain can register the discrepancy, letting you know that he or she is being deceitful. Human brains may not be very good at discerning truth, but they are superb at picking out lies. So if you are feeling irritable, it is best to first use the meditation techniques described in Chapter 9 that specifically deal with anger.
First, I recommend that you go over the following strategies with your partner. Do you each agree to each item? If not, revise them to suit your mutual needs. If you want to help keep things on track, sign a piece of paper stating that you will consciously try to adhere to the agreed-upon rules and that you'll compassionately remind each other when one of you has fallen off track.
I've marked the most important strategies with an asterisk, but there are two nonnegotiable items that are essential when dealing with strong emotional