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First, confrontations are by appointment only. You can't just barge into a room and expect that your partner (or your employee or boss) will be ready to discuss your issue. Both parties must feel prepared, a process that could take several hours or days. Briefly describe your problem, then ask your partner to pick a time to talk. In some spiritual communities, both partners make a verbal commitment to spend a few days privately reflecting on the problem before they sit down to discuss disturbing issues. Then, when they do talk, they try their best to apply the spiritual principles they most deeply believe in and trust.

There is another nonnegotiable rule: During the conversation, either person may call for a time-out at any time he or she chooses. This is essential for keeping destructive emotions, like anger and fear, in check. If your partner's buttons are pushed, he or she must take all the time that is needed to return to a compassionate state. Otherwise, progress won't be made. A time-out can last for a few minutes or several hours—perhaps even days—but it is the responsibility of the person who calls for the break to suggest a specific time to reconvene.

The strategies fall into four general categories:

Three Strategies for Beginning a Constructive Dialogue

Six Strategies to Contain Disruptive Emotions

Six Strategies to Improve Communication

Six Strategies for Finding Creative Solutions.

And don't forget the golden rule of neuroscience, which I cannot emphasize enough: Anger never works. It might make you feel good for the moment, but it will seriously disrupt the communication process and damage important parts of your brain.

Again, the asterisks highlight the most essential strategies to adhere to: picking the right time, opening with kindness, avoiding provocative language, softening the tone of your voice, suspending blame, respecting your partner's point of view, equally “sharing” the conversation, closing with kindness, and getting a follow-up progress report.

THREE STRATEGIES FOR BEGINNING A CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE

* 1. Pick the right time. Make an appointment—the first of the two non-negotiable rules—to sit down and talk, and decide how long both of you are willing to set aside. Make sure you give yourself some additional “free” time to reflect on the conversation you will have. But before you request an appointment, ask yourself the following question: “Can my partner hear me and respond to me at this time?” If not, consider waiting for a better time. It's okay to spend several days, or even weeks, waiting for the right moment when your partner can truly listen without judgment. Avoid discussing difficult issues when you first wake up, at meals, before going to work or right afterward, and certainly not before going to sleep.

2. Find the best location. Agree to meet in a place where the two of you won't be disturbed by telephones, business, or kids. Avoid confrontations in the bedroom; always reserve that room for peaceful-ness and rest. Consider having your discussion in the most beautiful, quiet place you can find, perhaps in a garden or at your favorite park. Walking while you talk often takes the edge off particularly sensitive issues. If you think your partner may get angry, you might consider meeting in a restaurant or other public place.

* 3. Open your dialogue with kindness. Begin any confrontation with an expression of respect by giving a compliment, a small gift, or a tender embrace. This is essential because it lets your partner know you are entering the dispute with a willingness to protect the underlying love that you share. You can even hold each other's hand—this makes it difficult for many people to get defensive. And as far as your anterior cingulate is concerned, kindness is its favorite synaptic treat!

SIX STRATEGIES TO CONTAIN DISRUPTIVE EMOTIONS

* 1. Avoid provocative language. No insults. No accusations. No denunciations. No condemnations. No character assassinations. No sarcasm. No swearing. No threats. No yelling. And be careful about