How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [117]
* 2. Soften the tone of your voice. Pay close attention to your voice as you speak. Hostility can be communicated through tone as well as words. Your communication will be more effective if you speak slowly, with warmth. Soothing, gentle speech goes a long way in getting your message across. And slow down; fast talking makes it more difficult for the other person to take things in.
* 3. Don't blame. Instead, talk about yourself: Begin sentences as often as possible with “I feel …” rather than “You are …” Don't make the mistake of thinking that you “know” what the other person's problem is; you wouldn't like it either. Talk about what's going on inside you, but be specific: Avoid over-generalities and vague descriptions. For example, instead of saying “I feel hurt when I'm criticized,” identify the specific event and the feelings they brought up for you at the moment: “When I'm told I'm a slob, it makes me feel bad, but it doesn't help us find a solution. Maybe you can ask me instead to clean up my mess.”
4. Be aware of nonverbal communication. Feelings and emotions can be communicated nonverbally through facial expressions and body movements. Looking away, frowning, an exaggerated smile, or rolling your eyes can be easily interpreted as anger, hostility, sarcasm, or disbelief. These cues can stimulate an unwanted reaction from your partner, so ask him or her for feedback about any nonverbal message you may send. Work out a system (raising a finger, for example) where each of you can let the other person know when communication is breaking down.
THE REFEREE IN A BOX
One of the best ways to reduce anger in a conversation is to turn on a tape recorder while you talk. Just the presence of the tape is enough to suppress anger, and if it does erupt, you and your partner can review it to see what triggered the emotional reaction.
5. Monitor your anger and recognize the danger zone. If you find yourself getting more upset as you talk or listen, take a few minutes to calm down. Close your eyes, yawn, take deep breaths, and stretch your arms and legs. Ask your mate for help—the contact of your partner's hand will have a soothing effect. Monitor your pulse rate; if it rises, take a twenty-minute break. Shakiness, increased perspiration, clamminess of the skin, muscle tension, a tight jaw, chest pressure, clenched arms or fists, exaggerated facial expressions, and other intimidating body motions are signs that you may soon lose emotional control. Ask your partner to point out any warning signs that you may fail to notice, and then take a break.
6. Call for a time-out. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed, call for a five-to thirty-minute break—but don't just walk away or suddenly hang up the phone. An abrupt interruption can upset your partner because you have not given her or him enough time to prepare for your time-out. Take a minute to explain why you need to take a break, and then set a time to resume. During the timeout, practice relaxation and the Compassionate Communication exercise in your imagination. If communication breaks down again, consider rescheduling for the next day, or later in the week. Remember: This is a nonnegotiable rule. Time-outs are essential if either one of you loses the ability to compassionately listen or talk.
SIX STRATEGIES TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION
1. Be specific. Make a list of the issues you want to address, but focus on one problem at a time. If you're talking about a hurtful statement your partner recently made, for example, don't bring up other events from the past. Stay focused on the specific event that occurred. Provide concrete details and complete explanations of the problem and ways in which it can be resolved.
* 2. Show respect for your partner's point of view. It is important