How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [118]
3. Take equal responsibility. Learn to think about conflicts as a conjoint problem. Rarely is the problem simply “yours” or “mine.”
* 4. Don't monopolize the conversation. Talk briefly, then let your partner talk. In Compassionate Communication, you deliberately limit your dialogue to thirty-second segments, but in conflict resolution it is sometimes necessary to spend one or two minutes to express a complex idea. But be forewarned, the neurological evidence clearly shows that the other person will have difficulty absorbing the information. If you feel you need more time to talk, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to listen for an extended period. Then make sure you ask for feedback. In specific, ask your partner to summarize what you just said. If he or she can't, assume it was your problem and briefly summarize your points.
5. Ask for clarification. If you're unclear about what your partner is saying, ask him or her to restate the issue: “I'm not sure if I really understand. Can you tell me again, or in a different way?” Ask for more specific details so your partner can illuminate the important points. But do so in a compassionate way.
6. Avoid mind-reading. Don't presume that you know what your partner thinks or feels. Ask questions instead. Rather than saying, “You always get defensive when we have company over,” which is an example of mind-reading, turn it into a question: “When we have company over, do you get defensive?” Questions are less threatening than statements. In fact, you can have a profoundly intimate exchange if you continue to inquire deeply about your partner's feelings and thoughts. But beware of questions that are really criticisms: “Can't you see that you're being defensive?” is in fact a critical “you” statement in disguise.
SIX STRATEGIES FOR FINDING CREATIVE SOLUTIONS
1. Search for constructive ideas. Offer specific suggestions and ask your partner for alternative ideas. Write them down on a sheet of paper and talk about them. Search for solutions that include the other person's ideas in your plan.
2. Try brainstorming. Turn on your creativity. Take turns dreaming up the most ridiculous solutions you can: “Let's adopt a pet elephant and bring him with us when we visit my parents.” Be silly and use your imagination, writing down every notion that pops up. When you've done this a dozen times, often an idea is touched upon that works. Half of the products that exist in the world (computers, the Internet, cell phones, new car designs, atomic bombs, even the book you're reading right now) came out of brainstorming sessions, and the technique works just as well when solving personal conflicts.
3. Sit with your problem for a week,. If an effective solution is not found, sit with it for a few days or longer. Don't try to solve it. Instead, use the mindfulness technique of watching your feelings and thoughts. Just be aware that, often by week's end, a new solution will suddenly pop into your mind. If not, ask your friends for some additional ideas and discuss them with your mate.
4. Implement your plan. Play with different solutions: “If we did A, then B could happen, possibly leading us to C …” When you “test-drive” your plans in this way, using your imagination, you can often identify and resolve unrecognized difficulties before they occur. Work out a step-by-step solution to your problem—who will do what, when, where, and how—and write it down.
* 5. Close with kindness. Give supportive remarks (“I really appreciate your willingness to go through this process—I know how hard it is”) and give each other a hug, doing everything possible to generate kindness before your conversation ends.
* 6.