How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [99]
EXERCISE 10: SITTING WITH YOUR DEMONS
Anger and chronic negativity are cognitively, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually destructive. In fact, no other emotion is more difficult to control, or more likely to interfere with your meditation practice, than anger. So I want to offer you several meditation and visualization techniques to help transform irritability into love.
Anger is a defense we are born with, but it is an enemy to dialogue, empathy, and trust. Until it subsides, we cannot negotiate or communicate our needs, nor resolve a conflict with ease. In relationships, anger seems to pose a double bind: If we express it openly, we stimulate defensive neural circuits in the other person. Thus, whoever gets angry first (even if it is disguised behind a false smile) will lose the argument, even if that person's position was right. The only way out of this dilemma, the experts say, is to become intimately familiar with this destructive emotion and its many hidden forms: jealousy, pessimism, prejudice, cynicism, sarcasm, criticism, selfishness, etc. We have to watch it and study it—in other words, meditate on it—if we want to uncover the feelings it may hide. As Steven Levine wrote:
Rather than pushing [such feelings] down or spitting them out, we can let them come gently into awareness. We can start to give them space, to get a sense of their texture, of their voice, of their inclination. We begin to investigate the nature of the anger instead of getting lost in my anger.43
When dealing with anger and frustration, researchers have found that meditation, imagining volatile scenarios, and deliberately suppressing negative thoughts were equally effective in diffusing anger.44 Deliberately substituting positive thoughts for negative ones is another effective strategy.45
If the anger is not severe, you can use mindfulness meditation to work through this destructive emotion.46 When we meditate upon the demons within, we become more observant and relaxed, allowing us to go deeper into our emotions without losing control. Thus, we can safely acknowledge our anger with greater detachment and clarity, and without expressing it to others. It may feel good at the moment to express anger openly, but hundreds of converging studies in psychology and neuroscience now confirm that the expression of anger only generates more of the same.
The only trick is to remember to meditate when you are angry, because anger interferes with nearly every cognitive process in the frontal lobes. That's why we want you to try this exercise now, when you're not angry, so it will be in your memory when you find yourself caught up in irritability, self-criticism, or frustration toward someone else. As with the other exercises, find a quiet place to sit, where you will not be disturbed by others or by the phone.
Take ten deep breaths, even if you don't feel like it, followed by ten fake or genuine yawns.
Recall a time from the past when you were very, very mad at a specific person. Picture the person's face in as much detail as you can, and spend a minute thinking about the things that made you angry. Take three more deep breaths and deepen the intensity of the memory. Tighten your jaw, tighten your fists, hold them for ten seconds, and then let them relax.
Allow yourself to remember the feelings of anger that you felt inside. Where do you feel the anger now? In your head? Your chest? Your belly? Take a deep breath and let your emotions take you in any direction they want, watching with detachment.
Observe your feelings as if you were watching a movie. Notice each feeling, and label each one with a simple word or phrase: “I feel angry and hurt,” or simply, “Anger … doubt… hurt.” Say it out loud, then let the feeling go