I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [2]
What’s worse is that all this superfluous praise is making the world a duller place. The phrase “good job” is the reason we don’t have any more Mozarts or Beethovens today. Mozart’s father never coddled him with heaps of praise when he didn’t deserve it, and that hard-earned praise was part of what motivated Mozart to constantly push harder and to make some of the most enduring music the world has ever heard. In fact, I’m not sure even Mozart’s father pushed hard enough. Sure his music is great, but let’s face it: Mozart could have done more with his life. He died penniless, had few mourners, and was unceremoniously tossed in an unmarked grave. While musically a genius, he was a fuckup who mismanaged his money and liked shit jokes. He had no business sense, and he wasn’t able to sell himself—or his music—to any appreciable degree for any significant amount of time. It was only in death that he gained notoriety, and scholars today still struggle to explain away and contextualize his fixation on scatological humor. Historians can’t come to terms with the fact that Mozart was kind of a fuckup, which is why there’s an entire Wikipedia page devoted to Mozart’s scatological jokes and what higher meaning they may have. Sometimes a shit joke is just a shit joke.
So you’re welcome. By holding kids to a higher standard, I’m making the world a better place. Although many of the names in this book have been changed to keep the children anonymous, some were kept the same, as it is my sincere hope that at least a few kids recognize their artwork and try harder next time. The last thing this world needs is more cocksure idiots who think they’re producing great works of art because their parents did them the disservice of encouragement.
Jon, age 8
Ding ding! Here comes the shitmobile.
I’ve never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit.
F
Robert, age 5
Finally, a car with both an arcade and a prison! Back when cars had just arcades in them, there was no place to lock up kids who got out of line.
F+
Lane, age 4
I created a list of pros and cons for this car:
Pros:
Roomy
Cons:
Wagon wheels
Only one door
The hinges on the door are on the outside.
Entire rear end seems to emit exhaust.
F
Jacob, age 6
You can’t just put wheels on anything and call it a car, Jacob. The booster car is a car in the same way a rocket ship with wheels is a car. It has wheels, but that’s where the similarities end. Also, the “booster car” probably isn’t street legal.
Can you imagine this piece of shit in traffic?
F
Lance, age 5
You have “The flame,” a car with flames in front, on top, in the back, and on the side. Then you have the “Bad boys,” not to be confused with “evil guy.” The difference? The bad boys apparently shoot bubbles, while evil guy has a machine gun. It’s a battle to the death! Winner takes nothing and everyone’s stupid.
F
Osmond, age 5
I realized that this picture was upside down after I put it in the book and left it that way because it looks about the same right side up.
F
Matthew, age 5
The assignment was to draw your dream car, and you decided to draw yourself in a high-speed police chase. Way to dream big, Matthew! I’m confident you can achieve your goals if you drop out, knock someone up, and rob a liquor store.
F
Gabe, age 4
I’m glad you labeled the oil spout on your car, Gabe. That way the engineers who work on it can be sure to put the intake valve right above the flame-thrower exhaust. Here’s a pro tip though: if you want to name your car “Killer,” choose any color of paper other than pink.
F
Eduardo, age 6
It was