I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [3]
F
Michael, age 5
This car is impractical. I mean, have you thought of the energy or space requirements of a mobile arcade and go-kart course? Let alone an entire playground, a swimming pool (with hot tub), a laser-tag room, a pizzeria, a beach, and a snow machine that can generate enough snow for you and your friends to have a snowball fight? No, of course you haven’t, because you are a stupid kid with no vision. Even if your design was possible, why would anyone make this? 90% of the reason people leave the house is to go to places that you’ve included in your car, so why would anyone ever leave? And for the few times you’d drive somewhere that had something not offered in your car, why would you want to haul all this shit with you? Think, Michael.
F
Jon, age 6
When you call your car “Silver Bullet,” make it silver. It’s people like you who make “Virgin Cheerleader” websites with women who aren’t virgins, or cheerleaders. And it’s people like me who keep clicking.
F
Brad, age 10
This is a great example of how tweaking a few innocuous details such as adding stitched “animal skins” and putting a raccoon tail on the antenna can turn a seemingly innocent cartoon vehicle like the one from The Flintstones, into an orgy-creep fuckfest on its way to Nightmareville, only stopping for face rape along the way.
F
Renee, age 6
Good job, Renee, people will think your BMW looks especially prestigious with those flames and waves painted on the side.
F
Dirk, age 5
This is breathtakingly stupid. And it’s not a car.
F
Nathan, age 5
There are only two requirements to drawing a convertible car:
1. that it’s a car
2. that it’s a convertible
You failed to meet 50% of the requirements.
F
JC, age 8
“General, the enemy sent their war machine. WAIT! Is that a giant saw blade fixed to a long fishing pole in front? HOLY FUCK! This can mean only one thing: this is the navy Camerio 7,000!!!!!”—something nobody will ever say.
F
Travis, age 5
Wait, this looks familiar . . . oh yeah, maybe because THE EXACT SAME DRAWING ONE PAGE AGO, YOU FUCKING CHEATING PIECE OF SHIT! Travis was sitting next to Nathan in class, and lo and behold, the two cars look almost identical, except this one’s shittier. Yes, you somehow took the shittiest drawing of a convertible I’ve ever seen, and made it shittier. Yours has more detail, granted, but you also had more time to draw detail since you didn’t have to spend any time coming up with an original idea. Now you can add cheating to the list of things you suck at, right after drawing and not-pissing-me-off.
F-
Jean, age 7
The sentence “My car can go fast, with stairs” is mind-boggling, because it either means that your car can go fast due to the fact that it has stairs or that your car goes fast and, incidentally, has stairs.
F
Corey, age 6
Here’s how I imagine your pitch would go at NASA: “America needs to keep its edge in space, boys, which is why I’ve been hard at work on this new rocket ship. I went back to the drawing board and took our regular rocket and bent the shit out of the frame. Then I put thrusters on the back, the front, and behind the wings. And then I put thrusters off to the sides. Some people said that was enough, but you know what? I said fuck ‘some people’ and I threw some thrusters on the front of the wings! I call it ‘USA Space Ship!’ and it is my masterpiece. BAM! Make it happen, boys. I’m off to get my dick sucked by supermodels.”
F
Arnold, age 9
There’s a helicopter with jet engines taking off from a race car with a helipad on it. On the one hand, it’s mind-numbingly stupid. But on the other, it’s mind-numbingly awesome.
F+
Cameron, age 6
Great design, Cameron! Way to think ahead