I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [20]
F
Tiana, age 9
Way to sneak the one thing you know how to draw into a holiday it has nothing to do with.
F
Remie, age 12
Look at that neck! Was Jesus a wrestler? Also, why does Jesus look vaguely intrigued?
F
Maria, age 10
Finding fish in a pond this small is unlikely in a deciduous, broadleaf forest. Did you mean to draw a temperate rain forest, you fucking idiot?
F-
Art, age 11
I don’t think there has ever been a book about a bear confessing his dementia to a psychiatrist, but this would be an awesome start to that book.
F+
Kelly, age 15
Maybe she was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
F
Ashley, age 8
By smearing shit on your art, you’ve basically done my job for me.
F+
Kyly, age 4
“What do you mean I can’t use the hall pass until I finish my art project? Okay, done! But I don’t need the hall pass anymore.”
F
Dre, age 4
There are few things that make me more ashamed of humanity than finger painting with diarrhea.
F
Grace, age 7
Oh really? Is a strawberry the size of a pineapple? No, microbitch, it isn’t. Am I the last person on earth who still gives a shit about what words mean?
F
Will, age 6
Clit-flavored ice cream sounds like a hot mess, and this is coming from a guy whose food pyramid has pussy at the top.
F
William, age 5
A hammer is not a food.
Monica, age 12
I don’t know what’s less appetizing: the steaming plates of turds, or Monica’s projectile drool.
F
Between teachers who confiscated and threw away most of my artwork, and my uncooperative parents who won’t give up any (they’re not my biggest fans), I’ve only been able to salvage a few pieces from my childhood. Still, they kick balls full-time.
Maddox, age 11
Fuck yeah, now that’s a badass car! This car makes bitches moan, and if they don’t, blows them the fuck away with the .50-caliber machine-gun horns. I didn’t draw the dinosaur, or the wheels, or the machine guns, but I pasted the shit out of all three using Microsoft Paint. I did draw the gunfire though, which is rather choice.
A+
Maddox, age 13
What a great invention.
A+
Maddox, age 11
Just a wrestler dropping a wicked elbow bomb on a bull’s back. No big deal.
A+
Maddox, age 12
This is a portrait of my sixth-grade teacher, Mr. Chamberlain. He had a black belt in being an asshole. He confiscated a notebook full of my sketches one time because I was drawing a badass dragon, and he thought it was related to the pencil-and-paper role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons, supposed to be affiliated with satanic worship by dumbass parents and church groups. When I asked for my notebook back after school, he said he’d thrown it away.
A+
F-
Matt and Ian, ages 14 and 15
Corn, huge chunks of runny tomato, and ham is 50% of what my vomit is comprised of. The other 50% is Tabasco sauce and rum. And yet my vomit never looks this bad.
F
Miranda, age 5
This gave my mouth the opposite of a boner.
F
Maddox, age 32
That’s right, bitch! IT’S MOTHERFUCKING LATTICE-TOP APPLE PIE FROM SCRATCH. I read countless forums and recipes written by women complaining about how hard it is to make the crust:
“Waaah, the lattice is hard to make, waaah, my arthritis!” Ninety percent of the lattice-top pies you see have strips of crust lazily thrown on top of each other. That’s because your grandma sucks at baking. That’s right, I’m not just better than your kids, I am better than your grandma! I can’t believe how much I rule.
A+
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I would like to thank Marie Valenzuela. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of importance in getting this book done, and 0 being the least, she’d get a billion. She helped with almost every aspect of this book. If it’s in the book, she probably had something to do with it. From color correction and scanning to busting my balls to get it done, she made everything possible. I can’t overstate her importance, or succinctly give her the gratitude