I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [19]
Is it racist that I really want ramen right now?
F
The following are from eighth-grade worksheets on sexism, drugs, AIDS and babies. These are all subjects I excel at.
Meghan, age 14
No, sexism is when you are prejudiced against someone because of their sex. You’d know the answer to this if you were a man.
F
Both the question and the answer are wrong. Just because you see a housemom on TV doesn’t mean they think all women are housemoms. Assumptions are different from depictions, you idiots.
F-
Rolene, age 14
No. Crib death is not a symptom of drug withdrawal, unless you mean the mother’s Prozac?
F
Athena, age 13
This is objectively true. The NFL has about $9 billion in annual revenue, and would rank somewhere around number 260 on the Fortune 500. No women’s sport comes close.
What would it even mean to strongly disagree with this?
It’s not even controversial to say that women are physically weaker than men and generally don’t make good construction workers for that reason. Facts aren’t inherently sexist.
F
George, age 14
You know, it’s easy to write George off as a smart-ass, but these are all literal interpretations of the illustrations and I blame the test maker for lack of clarity, not the test taker.
F+ for George, and/F— for the worksheet.
Brandon, age 10
I actually agree with this kid. Going on a monster hunt is a good way to stay drug free. I’m not sure what being a cryptozoologist has to do with anything, though.
F
Ren, age 13
This slogan is lazy because you could put almost any word next to “suicide” to make it seem negative; for example, kitten suicide and Disney suicide. The one exception may be lesbian orgy suicide, which is always positive.
F
Why not suggest that people avoid dying by not going to places where they’ll die?
F
Brian, age 10
More like “yes to boners.”
F
Shane, age 16
The resemblance to Will Smith is uncanny; I knew this was him right away.
F+
Shane, age 16
This is supposed to be Will Smith’s mom. I’ve never met the lady, so this might be spot-on.
F+
Gardner, age 11
Our commander in chief: a giant, robotic golfing puppet. Or is he peeing? In any case,
F
Albert, age 12
Obama might look like this if a cartoon cigar exploded in his face. Racist.
F-
Brian, age 5
I’m 60% sure SpongeBob didn’t have herpes on the TV show.
F
Gabbie, age 8
There are no angels where he’s going.
F
Ever wonder why you keep in touch with only four or five friends from high school? If so, go back and read your yearbook comments to be reminded: everyone was a huge gristly dick to you all the time. Here are a few examples:
Josh, age 13
Hey, Josh, hope you don’t get abducted from your family while traveling in Europe over the summer. Just kidding.
F
Jeni, age 17
If “bitchiness” were a category, this entry would win the Pulitzer Prize.
F
Pedro, age 14
This is the yearbook equivalent of douchebags who comment “first” on forums.
F
Jordan, age 18
You’re not only offering to let her risk her job, but then she gets to have sex with you? Give this man a cigar.
F+
Natasha, age 15
“Hello, Natasha? Hi, this is Person from middle school? Shut up! I was just thinking about you too!”
F
Ryan, age 13
Hey, Ryan, if someone didn’t really talk to you, how about not taking up 50% of the yearbook page saying so? Actually, this seems like something I would do. I take that back.
F+
Cindi, age 9
It may be hard to tell from this photo, but this beaver is textured with jizzy white lumps:
It looks like the entire drawing was made using a palette of brown, blue, and bukkake. Although the effect was probably unintentional, the fact that it’s a beaver doesn’t help.
F
Cindi, age 9
You don’t get to be king of the jungle covered in buckets of ejaculate.
F
Kimberly, age 12
This would be great if humans had two eyes of different shapes and sizes on their heads. But