I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [18]
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Mario, age 9
That’s rather presumptuous.
F-
Rosa, age 9
Words like “before” and “after” are weasel words because they aren’t being used to qualify anything. Before what? You should be ashamed of yourself.
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Janice, age 9
Yeah, actually. Hippies are a huge problem today.
F+
Gail, age 9
Way to be a bitter man-hating crone at age nine. You’re going to make some unlucky man very miserable someday.
F-
Ellyn, age 9
Way to illustrate the devastation of an earthquake by drawing a bird’s nest falling out of a tree. That really drove the point home.
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Josh, age 6
If the monkeys escaped at the zoo, people wouldn’t stand around yelling, “Zoo!” That would be like cops called to investigate a shooting and yelling, “Crime scene!”
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Amy, age 9
I agree with this statement.
F+
Stop the press! Turns out kids are narcissists. When they were asked to draw their idea of who the most beautiful boy or girl in the world was, most of the kids drew themselves. I like to think these are pretty spot-on:
Lee, age 8
Gay.
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Suzi, age 8
Slut.
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Summer, age 6
I know dick about fashion, but I feel like if I were a six-year-old girl, I’d know not to wear things like trapezoid aprons and square turtlenecks. Maybe just wear some shoes to cover up those stumpy monkey toes. Something.
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Matthew, age 7
Duly noted.
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Jamie, age 4
“I’m sorry, your entry into the most beautiful girl in the world contest did not win.”
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One of my assignments in high school English class was to write a daily journal entry. I found this especially difficult for a reason that I wouldn’t learn until years later after getting the results of a DNA test: I’m genetically averse to busywork. So I would test my teachers to see if they actually read anything I wrote by writing backward, using made-up words with randomly chosen consonants and vowels, copying down receipts, and arranging my sentences in odd geometric shapes. Every entry received the same grade of a “checkmark” for completion. None of it mattered, and the following submissions seem to be no exception.
Janelle, age 11
I wouldn’t choose to deliver a baby in a mouth, but I suppose it’d do in a pinch. There have been worse things dumped into mouths.
Vanessa, age 11
You have said nothing. You wrote an entire paragraph and literally said nothing. That’s actually really hard to do. Hats off.
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Brittany, age 9
When you’re nine years old, saying a place is the best restaurant you’ve ever been to in your life doesn’t mean anything. Most babies would probably rank their mom’s titties pretty high.
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Sophie-Jasmin, age 11
Do you honestly think you can win on a platform of making the boys serve the girls dinner? Also, you can’t just say “I will change everything” and then say “I told you I would” a few sentences later unless you’ve actually changed something. Bye!
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Diego, age 5
This book is a two-page autobiography titled “All About Me.” It’s a description of Diego’s ability to walk. Honestly, this is less crappy than most books I’ve read.
F+
Jimmy, age 6
If you wrote a story like this in prison, you’d get shanked.
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Brev, age 6
Might want to hold off on that dedication, son.
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In Japan, English teachers often make their kids do exercises like writing a letter to a pen pal in America or the UK to practice their writing. The cultural difference, however, is often neglected in the curriculum, allowing for some awkward exchanges to arise. I have mastered American culture and language, and have used my superior ability to criticize these nonnative speakers. Some might cry foul because their first spoken language wasn’t English, and I would point out that neither was mine.*
Yuichiro, age 8
For a first introduction, topics of discussion usually include what you do, hobbies, and movies you like. But not really fish. In fact, never fish.
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Chinami, age 13
Dear Chinami, I don’t have a sister. I have a brother. So he is my sister. I like she very much. Arigato!
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Yoshiko, age 12
Almost