I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [17]
F
Rob & JD, age 10
Here we go. You know this guy has seen problems something fierce. This motherfucker is the real deal.
F+
Irving, age 5
I can only infer that you want to eat your cat. Awesome.
F+
Genevieve, age 4
I would be sad too if I looked like a smashed asshole.
F
Melaina, age 6
Life is not a cartoon where you and your trendy friends stand around with a FUCKING POLAR BEAR in the room. These animals are vicious killing machines.
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Maddox, age 32
This is what your encounter with the polar bear would really look like:
A+
Marie, age 10
You get points for the enemies section; anything bigger than you is generally your enemy in life. Including fat people. Especially fat people.
F+
Ralph, age 6
My goal in life is to witness enough astonishing shit to constantly look as surprised as everything in this drawing.
F+
Dax, age 6
Your pet tiger is either horny or retarded. For the sake of decorum, I’m eliminating the possibility that he could be both.
F
Billy, age 6
No, 3 + 3 ≠ d. Also, this has nothing to do with anything.
F-
Arthur, age 8
It’s said that art should make a statement. And I believe the statement this art is making is: “fuck it.”
F
Pablo Picasso?
I have a sneaking suspicion that Pablo Picasso didn’t make this.
F
Alan, age 7
Finally a roller coaster for people who want to experience the thrill of death.
F
Arthur, age 7
I can only assume that the person about to kill himself on the carousel is the park owner, because even he doesn’t understand what the fuck happened to his roller coaster.
F
A’darrion, age 7
Thank you for saving me the trouble of scribbling all over this.
F+
Justin, age 6
This sucks. You suck. Check out my roller coaster on the next page.
F
Maddox, age 32
BAM! This is so awesome it makes my balls ache. This coaster takes you through a lumberjack’s bowels, out his pooper, and through a pile of lumberjack turds. Awesome and classy!
Heather, age 8
Did you mean to write “queen”? Because if I were queer for a day, I’d probably buy some denim capris and do some gay shit.
F
Many people believe that children have unique insights into the world and can see solutions to problems where none exist. So I asked kids what they thought the biggest problem in the world was today. Their answers were enlightening, not because they had a unique ability to observe problems we’ve taken for granted, but because their problems were incredibly myopic or self-serving: homework or earthquakes. Here’s a small sample of the nonproblems chosen by children:
Tetsuo, age 8
When you want to make the case that there’s too much school in the world today, spelling the word “school” correctly will bolster your case.
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Jared, age 8 or Maddox, age 32
I had so many submissions about school being the biggest problem in the world today, that I started to believe it, renounced my education, and ate a box of crayons. My subsequent bowel movement was this drawing.
F
Brent, age 8
Buildings falling on teepee villages would indeed be a problem today if structural engineers suddenly became morons . . . and people still lived in teepee villages.
F
Chelsey, age 9
Can you imagine lawmakers on Capitol Hill debating what to do with gum wrappers? Me neither.
F
Joseph, age 9
There is so much wrong with this picture. First, how could there be no water in the North Pole? Even the most aggressive global-warming models don’t predict total evaporation of the oceans. They do, however, predict a rise in ocean levels due to the melting of polar ice caps. Which leads me to the next problem: if the ice caps have melted, then how is the penguin still standing on ice? And if it’s hot enough for oceans to evaporate, how is one solitary penguin still alive? And why are there penguins at the North Pole anyway? Penguins live in the South Pole. Also, if all the water evaporated on earth, people would be dying of dehydration and famine. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT A SINGLE PENGUIN?