I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [16]
If you draw a couple of dudes literally sword fighting, they already look like they’re metaphorically sword fighting. You don’t need to gild the lily with actual boners.
F
Aurthur, age 11
Yes, correct. You die.
F+
Brandt, age 11
What I like about this worksheet is that you clearly don’t give a fuck, and yet you erased your answer to the question “What is the longest river in Africa?” and changed it to “cups.”
F+
Denny, age 11
Way to go all out on the creativity scale by picking a cat. And for the record, the number of cats that die every year from zombie outbreaks is zero.
F-
Jason, age 10
“Proboblay there microphone” is not the answer to any question.
F
Wesley, age 8
Drag queen of the jungle?
F
Stone, age 12
Every scientist knows that the food chain starts with malted-barley beverages, eagles, deer, and bees, and ends with predators like grass and flowers.
F
Pat, age 9
The Mexican-American War was indeed a time of great strife for the Super Mario Brothers.
F
Ricky, age 11
A submarine in a pool of pudding? That’s like a fat kid’s dream. Way to blow a million dollars, fatty.
And where would you find a scientist in the forest? They wouldn’t just be hanging around, waiting for random sixth-graders to ask them questions about bears. Scientists have shit to do.
F
Tim, age 11
Relax, Tim, worksheets that ask you to “pretend” shouldn’t stress you out this much.
F
Cherry, age 11
You are failing to connect the dots here.
F
Kevo, age 12
You’re not even trying.
F-
Ralph, age 8
No, B is for Boners. Read up on your classic literature.
F
Juno, age 11
This is both creepy and super cool.
F+
Mike, age 11
This is the exact same face I make when I’m hunting for treasure in caverns with my friends Chunk, Mouth and Data.
F
Whitney, age 7
I’m a big fan of congratulating myself when nobody else does it for me. Good job (that was to me).
F
Casey, age 11
I’m tired of how pizza is fetishized in America. It’s not this fucking superfood people make it out to be. It’s all right, but I don’t see what the big deal is. Get over it.
F-
Simon, age 8
This should just read “Loser.”
F
Booker, age 9
That’s how I’d dispatch a shark, too.
F+
Kim, age 10
You want to grow up to be a mindless zombie? This actually seems likely. BOOM.
F
Garo, age 6
This is the saddest-looking weight lifter I’ve ever seen. He looks like two hundred pounds of munged assholes. This droopy look is enough to make chicks go into menopause.
F
Nort, age 5
What a coincidence: you want to grow up to be posessed by a poltergeist in a haunted house, and I want to become an evil spirit who haunts children after I die. Let’s talk.
F
Jacqueline, age 4
I have some good news and bad news, Jacqueline:
The bad news is that you can’t become a teacher because you can’t spell.
The good news is that McDonald’s can look forward to hiring you when you’re sixteen. But only for nine months, until you go into labor.
F
Kathryn, age 5
You want to have sex with policemen forever? That’s a disturbing commitment.
F
Jade, age 5
Upon glancing, one might think little Jade is making an admirable career choice to be a teacher . . . until you notice that there’s a MOTHERFUCKING BED IN THE CLASSROOM! Red flag!
F
Molly, age 5
Good news, Molly. Since you’re built like a pole, you actually have a really good shot at being a “tether.”
F
Fernando, age 6
With the right combination of greasy food and a lighter, anyone can become a “firefarter.”
F
Susan, age 6
Bad news, Susan. You can’t be much balder than this.
F
Ken, age 10
Is there a norm that all clowns aspire to, or are they all just doomed to look like people who’d feel at home with your kidneys simmering on their stoves? Maybe I’m projecting. But still.
F
Cory, age 8
I’ve never been raped by a clown, but I suspect this is the last thing you’d see before it happened.
F
Alyssa, age 11
This is what it would look like if you could paint with a palette made