I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [15]
F
Margeaux, age 8
This cat is bending space-time around it like a black hole. Even the bird is getting sucked in while desperately trying to fly away. Why aren’t all drawings of cats like this?
F+
Kyle, age 12
No matter who wins, some future employer will lose.
F
Annie, age 9
This is what girls do instead of cool shit like burning insects with magnifying glasses. It’s called “fortune-teller.” You first pick a color on an outside flap, then a number from the inside triangle, then you spell out the color by opening and closing the fortune-teller. Then you pick a number and do the same thing again. And then you fucking do it eight or ten more times; it’s like waiting outside a fitting room while your girlfriend tries on clothes. Finally, after about twenty minutes of this bullshit, you open up the flap that it lands on and you get such prophetic fortunes as “your butt smells” and “you have to eat 3,516 crab and shrimp.” Women of all ages play this game, from grade-schoolers to business professionals alike.
F
Jon, age 8
Boop boop WoooOOOooo! “Officer shit-cop here, how may I assist?” You can start by shaving your junk heap of a cruiser and removing two of the wheels so it’s no longer a Zamboni.
F
Byron, age 13
I suppose there were transvestites in the Middle Ages, and transvestite dragons probably kidnapped them on occasion. I never thought I’d have to entertain the concept of a dragon with a man-pussy. I miss two minutes ago. Those were more innocent times.
F
Hector, age 14
Hector, you dumbass.
F
Mark, age 8
Sometimes you just know.
F
Angelo, age 8
This paradox threatens to implode our universe.
F
Erik, age 14
This 2.5-dimensional gun has a 2-dimensional stock that gives stick figures easy gripping, but a 3-dimensional barrel that can kill actual people.
F+
Andre, age 7
“Hello, my friend! I have number one game for you! Please step into my alley, I have Sonic the Hedj Hug, he is fast guy with beer belly. I give you good price!”
F
Tabatha, age 10
I’m actually going to disagree with your teacher: write less. Like 100% less.
F
Andre, age 7
Good job on the selective coloring; looks just like a screen shot:
F
Eileen, age 10
Marrying someone whose name is “3rd choice” is so real it gives fat waitresses in truck-stop diners everywhere a run for their money.
F+
Vanessa, age 8
Black people have faces and Asian people’s eyes don’t actually slant.
F
Brynna, age 14
Ah yes, man’s highest form of evolution is to become you: a fourteen-year-old girl named Brynna.
F
Lanisha, age 9
And with that, science ended.
F
Jackie, age 14
If the assignment had been to make Benjamin Franklin look like a woman with a brain tumor, you would have nailed it.
F
Timothy, age 10
Clumsiness cannot be improved with glasses; however, the spelling of “cluminess” can.
F
Jake, age 8
I was at a party in New York a few years ago when I got so drunk that I threw up all over my shoes. Even puke-covered, my shoes still looked better than this. I’ve literally barfed more coherently than this child’s art. That makes me a winner.
F
Carolann, age 11
“Excuse me, ma’am. When did your daughter create this drawing?”
“August seventeenth, 1996. Why, is something wrong, Officer?”
“What time?”
“I believe it was 8:51 P.M.”
“No problem, just checking to make sure your child’s artwork had the proper documentation. Carry on.”
F
Valerie, age 10
If you ever wanted to join a nunnery quickly and with no questions asked, you could simply produce this certificate.
F
Jake, age 7
If we have to ask, it’s not finished. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t show people the Mona Lisa and then get asked, “Is it finished?”
F
Noel, age 10
That’s not a medical term. If you ever hear a so-called doctor say, “Now turn around and let me take a look at your butthole,” run.
F
Sylvia, age 12
Don’t just sit there wishing for a change of pants. Be the change of pants you want to see in the world. Yeah, bitch, you just got dissed Gandhi-style.
F
Matt,