I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [14]
F
Mac, age 6
I’m sure your electoral base will appreciate your campaign pledge to dress up like a ninja and shoot machine guns at campaigners while they say “hi, hi, hi.” You’ll probably get a good majority of the “fuck it” vote—mine included.
F
Chrystal, age 5
Any doctor who attempted to put this implant into a woman’s chest should have his face aborted.
F-
Mac, age 6
You can’t decide what to do yesterday unless you have a time machine. Also, the only people that call it a “Sega” are parents. Sega is a company that makes games. You play games, not companies. That’s like saying you watched a movie on your “Panasonic.” Panasonic what? TV? Bluray player? You’re not sixty, you’re six. Get with it.
F
Randy, age 6
If you want a child to get over his speech impediment quickly, don’t correct him when he says “shic-r-shit” while trick-or-treating on Halloween. Nothing fixes lazy enunciation faster than asking for candy and getting a sack of shit instead.
F
Todd, age 6
You have managed to take crappy drawings to the third dimension. That is, you are using the requisite red and blue colors for 3-D, but when nothing is lost or gained with 3-D glasses, it means you’re missing the point. You have a very promising career in Hollywood ahead of you.
F
Chuck, age 5
How about a little humility? Not everything you write needs to be read by others.
F
Henry, age 5
This is drawn on a card that’s coincidentally the same size as an ID card . . .
“Wait, how do I know you’re a real cop? Oh, okay, this looks legit, how can I help you today, Officer?”—Typical exchange when this new ID is presented.
F
Joel, age 6
What is that? A castle? A stapler? Well, anyway, you failed kindergarten.
F
Fiona, age 6
This is just as much a constable’s hat as it is a vehicle.
F
Natalie, age 5
AND? Then what? You think you’re so special that you can just spit out any little turd your untalented fingers can scrawl and people will just eat it up? Get bent.
F-
Kyley, age 4
First of all, there is only one Rambo, so saying you saw “a” Rambo implies there are others. And second, there is no second. How does it feel to be misled?
F
Diego, age 5
Evolutionary biologists can breathe a sigh of relief today, because at long last the missing link has been discovered, by a five-year-old child named Diego.
The missing piece of the puzzle in evolution’s history has finally been found with the species “homostupidus,” a lanky green creature with stick-figure legs and jazz hands.
F
Ryan, age 5
Why am I looking at this? What am I doing with my life?
F
Geoff, age 6
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said Papa Bear. Someone’s been sleeping in my bed too!” said Mama Bear. “. . .” said NINJA BEAR.
Just then, Goldilocks woke up to find her THROAT CHOPPED OPEN AND HER SEVERED HEAD LOOKING DOWN AT THE REST OF HER BODY FROM ATOP THE BEDPOST. Ninja bear stands with his back turned to her. He sheaths his sword, sits down cross-legged, and levitates like it ain’t no thang.
F+
Eloisee, age 7
This is Poky Little Puppy from the eponymous children’s book. At first glance, I suspected this was traced, so I held the paper up to the light...
. . . and sure enough, it’s tracing paper. It bears only a passing resemblance to the original book cover, which suggests it’s hand drawn, but if that’s the case, why the tracing paper? That’s like bringing a gun to a knife fight and throwing the gun at your assailant.
F
Jamie, age 7
This sketch is 36 by 26.5 inches. That’s 954 square inches of pure crap!
F
Richard, age 13
I guess sometimes ninjas poop in bowls.
F+
Friedrich, age 10
Jesus was not burned at the stake as a witch.
F
Karl, age 9
The knees are totally unprotected.
F
Michael, age 9
Michael, unlike your teacher, you did not disappoint me. I had no expectations for you, and you met my expectations.
F
Tom, age 12
That’s one sad, fat dragon. Villagers go straight to her thighs.