I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [13]
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Jasmine, age 7
The man part of Batman is important, and this looks like a girl. If they had a female Batman, they’d call her something else. Oh yeah, they do: Bat Woman. Other egregious errors: she has whiskers like a cat, bird wings, and her name is written partly on her armpit.
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Suraj, age 16
In this deleted scene from the blockbuster The Dark Knight, Batman savors a wistful moment before proceeding to give Joker a deep shoulder massage. Director Christopher Nolan opted to use an alternate facemask with askew eyebrows, concave right temple and beak-like nose for Batman and a cartoonishly small left hand for Joker.
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Jared, age 3
Is it rude that I think this child has no future? I hope so!
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Kyley, age 1
Not only did someone take the time to date these scribbles, but they kept them around for over a quarter of a century. Crappy children’s artwork is not like wine; it’s not going to improve with age.
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Chan, age 5
Wrong.
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Doug, age 6
Bold choice to not have windows on your cop car. What are you policing? The Sun?
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Vance, age 4
This is an affront to astronomy, art, earth science, and the police department.
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Theresa, age 6
Finally, a fire truck that’s made to go up and down hills. And only up and down hills.
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Emily, age 6
When you spell “know” incorrectly in a sentence that begins with “I know a lot,” it undermines your statement.
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Chloe, age 5
Nice tits.
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Justina, age 6
67% of these labels are lies.
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Adrian, age 4
Even if you do know a lot about “brfis,” that still doesn’t excuse you for not knowing that the human hand doesn’t have six fingers. It’s one of those facts that you never have an excuse for not knowing because if you forget, you can always glance at your actual hand for a hint.
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Leah, age 5
No, stupid. Those are skyscrapers.
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Chuck, age 6
This is so boring it could make women miscarry.
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Nicole, age 5
This is normally where you’d read some pervy comment about how hot this would be if you and your sister were older, but I’ve never understood the fascination with lesbian sisters. They’re lesbians, which is hot, but sisters, which is incest. It’s like eating a steak made out of garbage.
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Maryann, age 4
There are 45 million blind people in the world and one of the leading causes of avoidable blindness is vitamin A deficiency due to malnutrition. You idiots have all the food you can stuff in your fat entitled faces and you still manage to go blind by staring at the fucking sun. This is why they hate us.
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Mary, age 6
What is this? A cat or a dog? Trick question: it’s kindling.
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Meigha, age 4
I’ve never seen anyone who had HIV sores, and if this drawing is any indication, it’s absolutely terrifying.
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Joshua, age 1
This sucks the biggest donkey dick in the known universe, and some in multiverses we have yet to discover.
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Suzi, age 6
The assignment was to draw a coin. You traced a coin and drew a winking spoon.
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Julie, age 5
It doesn’t take a paleontologist to conclude that this dinosaur’s diet consisted mostly of dicks.
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Nathan, age 6
This is either really bad, or really modern.
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Kami, age 6
“Hi, I’m a giant joint. Bet you weren’t expecting to find me in a kindergartner’s drawing, and yet, here I am.”
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Shelby, age 5
This was sent to me by Shelby’s father asking for my opinion as a professional art critic, as I am most certainly that. Shelby and her mother disagree with her father’s assertion that cats don’t have chicken legs. This has not, and will never be up for debate because anything after the word “chicken” in the sentence “a cat has chicken . . .” is false. Shelby’s father