I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [12]
F-
Candice, age 9
Well, I have to admit, Candice, your mom looks like a total bitch.
F+
Roger, age 6
If you’re afraid of “kidnap,” drawing yourself skipping and smiling with a giant exclamation mark isn’t the most effective way of conveying fear. You actually look pretty stoked about “Kidnap!”
F
Rob, age 8
I almost don’t have to grade this because he looks like he’s giving himself an F. But just for good measure:
F
Annie, age 10
How do you know you’ll scream to death if you see a house spider? Has it happened before? No, because you’d be dead.
F
Katy, age 8
What’s puzzling about this is that you draw the distinction between the bees and their stingers. You realize that a bee poses no threat to you without a stinger, right? No, of course not. You are eight years old and don’t know anything.
F
Paul, age 7
Agreed. Terrifying.
F
Lana, age 8
Maybe more terrifying than stupid because it has a human face. But maybe more stupid than terrifying because it has a double chin. I can’t decide.
F
Shoshanna, age 7
Zombies in love? Where are their Affliction T-shirts? Heyo!
F
Kelly, age 8
You realize that the probability of being chased by a coyote on any given day is pretty close to zero, and that the probability of a road being built directly into a cliff is actually zero, right? Life is not a Road Runner cartoon.
F
David, age 8
Being afraid of suicide is like being afraid of going on a hike; it doesn’t happen unless you want it to. You won’t just wake up someday on top of a mountain you don’t remember climbing.
F
Jr, age 9
Being afraid of the dark is the first step down the long road of being a career pussy.
F
Tyler, age 9
I would actually pay to see a zombie movie with the line “No! You human-eating craps!”
F+
Jason, age 8
The great North American Hick; known to dwell atop the highest urban skyscrapers. And ah yes, windows. Thank you for labeling them.
F
Rhonda, age 10
Some people hide or cower when they’re scared. You grow tits on your face.
F
When kids misbehave in class, a lot of teachers, parents, and substitutes have them write apology letters. Here are the best of the worst:
Betsie, age 10
You probably meant to say “spend” instead of “waste” when writing your apology letter, but waste actually works better.
F+
Josie, age 10
This is the best addition to a get well card I’ve ever seen.
F+
Adrian, age 9
Drawing yourself with an exaggerated Italian mustache renders the rest of your letter insincere.
F
Bang, age 10
You don’t know that riding on the back of a dragon is fun, so don’t front. Cool name, though.
F+
Shannon, age 11
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham, thank you for meeting with me. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the reason I called this parent-teacher conference is because your daughter is a huge asshole.
That is all.
Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.”
F
Jimmy, age 7
This is the type of Christmas gift that makes me wish wombs came with gift receipts. It’s a lose/lose/lose. Your parents lose for having had you, you lose for giving a shitty gift, and I lose for having to grade this.
F
Pedro, age 8
This is awesome.
F+
Kids love Batman. I don’t know why, because there are lots of superheroes and I don’t think Batman is appreciably cooler than any other, except Superman, who’s the dumbest fucking thing ever, but other than that, nothing. My working theory is that a lot of these kids made these around the time the last Batman movie came out. Whatever the reason, here are some of the best Batman submissions I received:
Billy, age 7
Is “Buttman” anything like Batman? Idiot.
F
Dude, age 7
Batman is not a ninja turtle. And your name probably isn’t Dude.
F
Jacob, age 7
Call of Duty is one of the most successful franchises in video-game history, and Batman