I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [11]
Jill, age 10
How exactly do you go about giving your life to someone who needs it?
F
Lisa, age 10
When you put a word in quotes the way you did, it means you probably don’t really believe it. That would be like your parents saying, “We ‘love’ you.” Or me saying, “good” job.
F
Simone, age 10
It’s supposed to be “I have a dream,” as in a hope or a vision for the future. Not “I had a dream,” as in the literal dream you had a few nights ago.
F
Brett, age 10
I’m with you on banning violets, because flowers are bullshit. I also like that if you had a say in the number of people dying every year, you’d choose to make it ten instead of zero.
F+
Ryan, age 10
Your transitions are superfluous. Want to know why? Read the next sentence. Because you could simply have said your idea in the space it took to tell me to read the next paragraph. I will tell you why that’s important in the next paragraph.
Because it shows your reader that you respect his or her time and aren’t a dick.
F-
Al, age 10
You are correct in that almost none of our budget goes toward training the military to protect Los Angeles from “Spetsnaz,” the Russian special forces units that defend the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs. The only war that was fought exclusively to protect California was the Mexican-American War, and they were fighting to protect California from the Americans.
F
Hillary, age 10
I share your dream of keeping the world from harmony. Join me, Hillary:
F+
Benny, age 10
Hey, fuckface, cops aren’t supposed to park their cars however they want. I know you think being a cop gives you special privileges, but parking in the red zone when you aren’t responding to an emergency makes you look like an asshole.
F-
Toby, age 10
The problem with robots trying to stop protesters is that people might want to protest robots having the power to stop protesters. And for the record, no human ever refers to humans collectively as “we humans.” Curious choice of words, Toby. Or should I say, ROBOT? Nice try.
F-
Troy, age 9
I’m sure your teacher appreciates your drawing her like a transvestite hooker.
F
Nicholas, age 6
Well, you got Mrs. Kemp’s gender wrong. But I can’t fault you too much, because you accidentally drew the late Gregory Peck.
F+
Rendel, age 5
You know those tears of joy a mother has when her child makes a gift for her? Sometimes they’re tears of sorrow.
F
Steve, age 9
I haven’t met your dad, but I know he doesn’t look like this. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
F
Rina, age 11
This whole everything-from-Japan-is-weird-or-cute-or-tentacle-rape thing is starting to make sense. This works on so many levels, and some I’m not even cognizant of yet.
F+
Cissy, age 7
“Hey, Cissy, be a sweetheart and bring Daddy another beer and I’ll teach you how to draw a real woman.” The upsides to having an abusive father are the awesome dark artwork and the boost to the psychiatric industry.
F
Zachary, age 6
What a wonderful way to represent your father and uncle: as two ninja Jews.
F
Robert, age 8
Why not just get a job and buy him something he might actually like instead? Giving is easy. Here, I’ll start:
F
Sasha, age 11
If I received this gift for my retirement, I’d spend a long, lonely night with a gun in my mouth reflecting on my life.
F-
Alexis, age 9
Oh no! Look out: it’s a big pink shark! The biggest threat this shark would pose is the cleaning bill to wash the skid marks from my underwear from laughing so hard.
F
Ascheyleighe, age 9
Maybe instead of zombies, you should be worried about early onset diabetes, because with a name like “Ascheyleighe,” your parents can’t be making too many other smart choices concerning your upbringing.
F
Trevor, age 9
Who wouldn’t be afraid of falling off a cliff and into the mouth of a waiting shark? Oh, yeah, everybody. That’s because it has never happened throughout the entire course of human history.
F-
Rachel, age 10
This got me thinking about the possibility