I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [10]
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Dom, age 7
I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting: the machine that eats people, the hook penis on the alien, or the fact that fast-food dollar menus have spared people like you from natural selection.
F
Abraham, age 5
If your dog ever gets uppity and starts wearing a top hat, show him who’s master by balancing on his back with your obscenely large penis.
F+
Mikel, age 8
In the future, we’ll all have our own personal robots to handle the laborious chore of carrying our cocks.
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Cameron, age 7
Finally, a superhero whose power rivals my own. Next time, do a better job erasing.
F+
Laurence, age 10
“The good news is, we got a permit to construct the world’s largest cookie. The bad news is, we can only use dildos.”
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Alan, age 4
Are you fucking with me?
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Trinity, age 10
On this piece, the paper had a slit in the back for this ostrich neck to slide up and down. A dick joke here would be like fishing with dynamite, which is of course my preferred method. Dynamite is such a versatile hunting tool, and speaking of tools, how much does that ostrich neck look like a penis?
Answer: very
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Bryce, age 8
Your hero is a teddy bear with one eye pulled out that you keep on a pink bed? I feel like this is the beginning of an urban legend. Here’s a spoiler, Bryce: you’re going to have one of your hands replaced with a hook someday. You will come across a parked car, and just when you go to open the door, the car will speed away, tearing the hook from your arm.
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Kenny, age 7
Saperman: superhero by day, mild-mannered bowling ball by night.
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Katy, age 6
Well, he is the Son of God, and he did turn water into wine, so I guess standing on a cloud while balancing a plate on his head is no biggie.
F+
Doug, age 7
Wow, your dog sure is brave when the pit bull is behind a fence.
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Dorie, age 6
I guess if I were deaf, a woman with no hands would be more than perfect—she’d be super.
F+
Brian, age 7
If ninja turtles always looked this sad, they would have canceled the show halfway through the opening credits.
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Edgar, age 8
Although Sonic is not a New York cabbie like you’ve drawn him here, I kinda wish he were. I even like his catch phrase: “ok.”
F+
Donna, age 14
Maddox, age 32
No, your mom isn’t powerful enough to destroy Grendel, even if she uses “reversed” psychology. Here’s how that exchange would go down:
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Margaret, age 8
Apparently not grammar.
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Shannon, age 8
You know what, Shannon? Your “baled eagle” is a masterpiece. Let’s go ahead and put it on the U.S. quarter!
This could happen, Shannon! Either that or you will major in business administration, get knocked up young, and never leave your hometown. Anything is possible!
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Emily, age 7
Hey, Emily, what color do you think the Green Lantern should be? Here’s a hint: it’s the first word in his name. Here’s another hint: you highlighted it. Give up? It’s the color of this letter:
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Brent, age 6
Even seemingly simple tasks like posing as a newspaper photographer would be nontrivial with giant wooden arms and claws for hands. Forget the superhero story, I could watch an entire movie just about a guy trying to do things like tie his shoes or make coffee with arms like that.
F+
Luke, age 7
“Oh no! Space Godzlue is barfing on the Washington Monument! This looks like a job for . . . Sowpremon!”
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Lauren, age 7
Spider-Man does not have buckteeth. And it’s not Spiter-man. You fucked that up seven times. And just for clarity’s sake, you made sure to emphasize that it was not “men spiter.” You are addicted to sucking.
F
Many school districts have their classes observe Martin Luther King Jr. Day by discussing the accomplishments of King’s civil rights movement. This includes things like essays, documentaries, and sometimes art. I received a lot of submissions from teachers who asked their kids to write their own “I have a dream” speech inspired by MLK’s famous speech delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Here are a few choice submissions: