I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [9]
F
Chad, age 8
Cool invention, bro. Except I have a better one:
F
Maddox, age 32
I call it the “waste bin.” It helps keep the world clean, it’s emission free, and uses zero energy.
A+
Tim, age 7
Apparently the odor emitted by gum on sidewalks is significant enough not only to depict with stink lines, but to invent a cleaning robot so people can breathe freely. I’m not sure when the smell of gum became a significant source of pollutants in the atmosphere, but it sounds like a problem I can live with.
F
Lyle, age 7
Looks like you invented a machine that adds extra steps to the “pick up garbage and throw it away” method of cleaning. The arrow pointing to “the sucker” in this drawing should be pointing to your parents.
F
Sean, age 8
A giant “cleaning” robot with soap-laser beams, broom arms, and dust-cleaner eyes? Good job, I’ll take two.
F+
Cole, age 8
I understand the concept of cleaning with water, but soup is a cleaning agent that I think 100% of people can agree is a bad choice.
F
Clark, age 9
The thing about brushing teeth is that it requires only one invention: a toothbrush.
F
Samuel, age 6
Samuel was asked to draw the solution to the Arab/Israeli conflict. This is what he drew: an airboat armed with penguin missiles and camouflaged in Rastafari colors. Airboats are meant to go on marshy swamps and shallow water. So in other words, neither Palestine nor Israel. Though if this were a metaphor for the mire that the peace process is stuck in, this drawing is borderline brilliant. But it’s not, so,
F.
Garrik, age 7
Did you bother to think about what evolutionary purpose having two mouths would serve? There’s a reason there aren’t any creatures on earth with two mouths, and you won’t find any in space either.
F
Ethan, age 7
Next time you draw the Statue of Liberty, try not to make her look so conniving. She’s holding the torch, not trying to sneak off with it, traitor.
F
Melissa, age 15
“What’s up, Candy-house? ’Sup, black sun? Who me? I’m just the coolest fucking tree in the universe. I’m just going to sit here and chill, cool as fuck.” I’d buy this tree a beer if he didn’t already get his drinks comp’d at every bar in the city. He picks karaoke songs that bring the house down every time. He wears weird plaid shirts and clashing patterns, but rather than sticking out, he just looks cooler and sets new trends. He drinks a gin and tonic with two limes and doesn’t give a fuck if that was your drink in college. It’s his drink now, you dig?
F
Jennie, age 14
If I got this transformer for Christmas, I’d find Jennie a foster home.
F
Colleen, age 15
The assignment was to draw your mom. You drew a boner-inducing hot secretary. Wrong.
F
Nate, age 15
“What do you mean the kids at school still bully you? Did you ask them to stop? You did? Well did you try saying please?” How’s that polite thing working out for you, Nate? I was never a bully in school, but you’re so dorky that even I want to slap you in your nerd mouth.
F
Amalia, age 15
The thought of President Martin Van Buren being a flamboyant clown in an alternate universe makes me happy.
F+
Lillia, age 3
Ever turn around anxiously to see if anyone else saw what you just saw, because nobody is going to believe it? This drawing of a dog is the kind of happy accident that personifies that feeling.
F+
Ricky, age 7
When you draw a car that looks this phallic, being a five-year-old child affords you certain privileges that adults wouldn’t get. For example, people might give you the benefit of the doubt and think it wasn’t your intention. But when you write the word “intention” above your car, and draw a giant spiky dong on one end of it, you can’t play the innocence card anymore.
F
Joscar, age 7
“Number 9, please put your tiny dick away.”
F
Piper, age 9
The line between kung fu and fellatio is not thin. In fact, it’s about as thick as lines get. Any time you find your art blurring that line, you’re fucking up.