I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [8]
F-
Paige, age 5
On my most recent book tour, I signed someone’s face with my crotch, and my signature was significantly more legible than this, Paige.
F
Bryon, age 6
Let’s see . . . oh this is nice, it’s a nice family picture. Know what? I’ll just go ahead and label them . . .
F
Holly, age 4
Reported.
F
Amy, age 5
You love your mom because dog? What the fuck are you saying, man? You got a horse foot?
F
Christian, age 5
Saying that you like your mom because she buys you things is a level of honesty that makes me want to stop littering for a while. I’m even going to overlook the fact that you called your mom a “he.”
F+
Emily, age 5
Look, Emily, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: your entire family is retarded. Everyone. Even the sun, by proximity.
F
Brittany, age 4
Your family consists of your mom, your sister, you, and two floating heads. Why did you bother to turn this in?
F
Dwayne, age 4
Everyone in your family holds an apple and has a penis?
F
Zack, age 4
Your family is not this tall. Fuck you, liar.
F
Vicki, age 4
What does it mean to “go to the sex” with your mom? Terrifying.
F
Nicole, age 4
Apparently you and your mom have the ability to levitate above ground. And the tree? Sure, fuck it! Make that levitate too! Why not? Because the rules of physics don’t matter anymore. Nothing matters to Nicole!
F
Nadi, age 5
What’s mind-boggling about this is that Nadi drew every person in her family as almost identical, labeled herself on the left, and then decided that for some reason the nearly identical one on the right more accurately represented her. So she crossed out the original and relabeled herself on the right instead.
F
Matty, age 5
Your mom is teetering dangerously in a giant chair and all you can think about is your pancakes. You are a hateful child.
F
Jared, age 4
You were assigned to write a story about your family. You wrote the alphabet. Not only is the alphabet not a story, but you wrote the sequence wrong.
F
Ashley, age 6
You know when you see a homeless person walking around wearing fishnet stockings, a wig, and some random sporting equipment, and you start to smirk before you realize he’s mentally handicapped and you’re an asshole? This drawing personifies that feeling. At first you see the parents, ages thirty-seven and twelve, wearing heels and you start to smirk. Then you realize the girl who drew it has a unibrow and stumps for feet, and you feel like a dick. Emphasis on you, and not me, since looking at a couple thousand of these hardens you, and you stop feeling anything at all.
F
It doesn’t take much to make a kid laugh. In fact, kids are constantly laughing and telling each other jokes all the time. Kids think they’re super fucking funny, and adults who have shit to do learn to tune them out. But if you ever take the time to listen to what kids are laughing about, you’ll hear some of the following “jokes.”
Pam, age 10
I told this joke to a hot brunette in a bar one night, and she thought it was so funny she gave me her number and told me to call her anytime I wanted her to gobble my meat wrench. She used those exact words.
F
Violet, age 11
This is why kids get thrown out windows sometimes.
F
Marc, age 8
EXT. YARD—DAY
FRANKENSTEIN, PRINCESS, and DRACULA are standing around on a field that looks like it’s made of miniature pine trees.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Grr,
Grr.
PRINCESS:
Kiss,
Kiss,
Kiss.
DRACULA:
I von to suck your blood.
WITCH joins the fray.
WITCH:
Trick or treat, smell my feet!
Ha ha ha.
Seems like a good Michael Bay vehicle if it were dumbed down a bit.
F
Lara, age 10
This not only isn’t a joke, it’s not even a story, or a sentence. It’s not even what most people would consider a thought.
F+
Charlene, age 7
Saying “ha ha” to the joke, “Who’s there? School today” is like saying “thank you” to diarrhea.
F
John, age 7
I have some bad news for you, John. Houses have already been invented. So have pools.
F
Mara, age 8
The first