I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [7]
F
Maddox, age 32
DON’T LOOK BELOW THIS SENTENCE UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR EYES FUCKED UP WITH A CHAIN SAW, BECAUSE THIS IS INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH TITS.
A+
Jovan, age 5
I can read the word, and I can see the arrow pointing to it, but I see no dog anywhere in this picture.
F
Steve, age 4
Steve was asked to draw a Thanksgiving turkey. Instead, he drew a two-headed robotic turkey cyclops. Though I’m not sure if this is technically a cyclops since the creature does have a total of two eyes. Touché, Steve.
F
Tanner, age 8
Apparently the only difference between a “robotec” horse and a normal horse is that a robotic horse has this tiny panel below its mane:
F
Cole, age 5
This elephant looks like it’d be at home on planet Hoth. Taping a couple yellow eyes on the side of an Imperial Walker won’t fool anyone. Nice try, Chancellor Cole. Or should I say, EMPEROR COLE?
F
Abe, age 5
Oh, come on. The tail is obviously an antenna; you’re not even trying. When this elephant isn’t feigning interest in legumes, he’s calculating the precise moment to rise against the humans.
F
Marco, age 7
F
Unfortunately this was the only submission in this category, but it’s happy accidents like this that make me a believer. A drawing of a black bear humping a lion is great, but the fact that it came from the hands of a child gives it a tinge of impropriety that elevates it to something more: art.
Jake, age 7
Yes! Your mom is awesome and I would marry her if marriage wasn’t a false institution created in the Middle Ages to ensure treaties between monarchs.
F+
Fred, age 10
“Thank you for coming in for your fourth interview, Fred. This was a tough decision, but the board members here at IBM decided to hire you over the other applicants; the thing that set you apart was this drawing you made in fourth grade. When others simply drew a turkey, or a state, or a pilgrim, you drew all three. Welcome aboard, Fred! We hope you’ll bring the same initiative and vision to business computing that you did with your turkey drawing!”
F
Maria, age 9
Everybody knows the hottest spring break destination in the world: China! When you travel to the country, the customs officer asks you a series of questions. Here’s how that conversation would go:
Customs: “Reason for visiting China?”
Maria: “Chinese food, action movies, plus rock bans.
China is nice, fun, cool and bright.” Customs: “Go right ahead, ma’am. Enjoy your stay.”
F
Mark, age 10
“All right, who’s the wise guy who threw the bloody heart at me? The snowball fight is over unless one of you steps forward.”
F
Alan, age 7
What girl wouldn’t love this drawing of you, Alan? Those sharp teeth are romantic! And those dead eyes simultaneously say, “I love you” and “braaaains.”
F
Joanne, age 5
Birthdays aren’t holidays. No one’s birthday is, unless you’re a president, and even then, you had to free a ton of slaves. And even then, your birthday gets combined with Washington’s birthday—and he planted apple trees all across America with his giant blue ox. What did you do?
F
Andy, age 10
You are thankful for your dead hamster? Was it giving you problems? A friend gave me a Betta fish for a birthday gift a while ago, which wasn’t a gift so much as a burden. When it accidentally fell in my toilet and I accidentally flushed twice, I was relieved, so this is somewhat relatable.
F+
Jon, age 7
One recent double-blind study conducted by thirty-five Ivy League universities found that 100% of people suffocating have had their conditions worsen when ropes were introduced around their necks.
F
Jake, age 7
This exchange is riveting! Will he say no? Will he say yes? Oh . . . the answer is yes. Whew. Glad I read that.
F
Nicole, age 7
Wow, smug! Get over yourself already.
F
Christian, age 5
No it isn’t.
F
Pete, age 5
How are you this bad at everything? Spelling, writing, drawing basic shapes, grammar, and coloring inside the lines. All of