I Am Better Than Your Kids - Maddox [6]
The result is below:
F
Adam, age 9
This could be a case study for one sibling receiving more than his fair share of the good genes in the family.
F-
William, age 7
My mom doesn’t like it when I am sick because she has to bring bowls for me to throw-up in.
“Dear Diary,
I really don’t like it when William is sick because I have to bring bowls for him to throw up in. That’s all!
—William’s mom.”
F
Catrina, age 10
“I brought you some soup! It’s the least I could do since I make you rest in a vertical bed while you wait for your exorcism.”
F
Dennis, age 13
Is everything okay at home, Dennis?
F
Roger, age 13
I’m for barfing on students. The rest is too crazy, in a good way. Good job.
F+
Wayland, age 7
It’s an alien, so let’s give him one eye and a spacey name like “eye moon.” Tool. But wait, how do we know it’s an alien? Where’s the flying saucer cliché? Deborah delivers:
F
Deborah, age 7
. . . and if an alien doesn’t have one eye, it has to have three. There’s an unspoken rule that when drawing aliens, the number of eyes must be an odd number. Yet for some reason, aliens never seem to have one arm or three. Keep being a little conformist, Deborah, and you will be able to parlay your sorority connections into a job in HR.
F
Lilan, age 7
Chopstick antennae? Check! Second head with impossibly fragile neck that ignores the center of gravity? You bet your ass! What exciting things won’t the SS Mars discover with its bright pink exhaust manifold and rakishly angled nose cone?
F
Alex, age 7
And in the rare case that the odd-numbered-eye rule is violated, of course the alien has to have an odd number of fingers. But that doesn’t explain why Neptune is visible from Earth, or why this alien was left behind on the moon. I can only infer that Earth is “home” and Neptune is “Daddy’s new apartment.”
F
Diana, age 7
How are you this ghetto at age 7?
F
Lindsay, age 8
Your alien world is such a sausage fest, it could double for a strip club half a mile from the airport.
F
Ben, age 7
I’m not saying it’s impossible for extraterrestrials to exist that represent every gay stereotype; it’s just unlikely.
F
Roger, age 7
“Greetings, Earthlings. I am Piggy Wiggy Stiky Boy. I am an alien. Our race is an arbitrarily silly one. We have an arbitrary number of extra appendages and nostrils. We can learn a lot from each other. Our race can learn about your food, culture, and music, and your race can learn about why we have Italian mustaches and love pancakes. To our mutual prosperity! Sincerely, Piggy Wiggy Stiky Boy.”
—First extraterrestrial address to human race
F
Munch, age 30
Oliver, age 7
Who knew that space aliens stranded near Pluto would look like Munch’s The Scream? Also, way to have your style competantly duplicated by a first-grader, Munch. More like butt-Munch. Both of you.
F
Wendy, age 7
I’m not entirely sure, but I think what you’re trying to say is that Spankula (spank + Dracula?) gave “fire alien” herpes. I especially like that you threw in this tautological gem for good measure: “vampier girl is a vampier.”
F
Melissa, age 6
Let’s start with the things you got right in this drawing: you mostly colored inside the lines. Now on to the wrong: there is no historical text—biblical or otherwise—mentioning Jesus’ antennae, green arms, or lollipop.
F
Apul, age 7
I’m pretty sure the incongruity between the message “I come in peace” and the alien’s facial expression wasn’t intentional. You need to learn about facial expressions, Apul. Watch and learn:
F
Maddox, age 32
Which of these moms would you trust to eat cookies from?
F
Angela, age 3
. . . and Down’s is his syndrome.
F
Hiroshi, age 7
100% of scientists would agree that if we should ever encounter an alien life-form, the likelihood of it resembling a Japanese rockabilly scenester is 0%.
F
Donna, age 8
Lame.
F
Hal, age 7
There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground when it comes to aliens. They’re either arbitrarily