I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [44]
• Degradation—constantly devaluing the child’s achievements and magnifying misbehavior. After a while, the child becomes convinced that he really is bad or worthless.
• Unavailability—psychologically absent parents show little interest in the child’s development and provide no affection in times of need.
• Domination—use of extreme threats to control the child’s behavior. Some child development experts have compared this form of abuse to the techniques used by terrorists to brainwash captives.20
Recall from Lisa’s story that she probably suffered all of these forms of emotional abuse: her father hammered her constantly that she was “not good enough”; her mother rarely stood up for Lisa, almost always deferring to her husband in all important decisions; and Lisa perceived the family’s numerous relocations as “kidnappings.”
The pattern of the neglected child, as described by psychologist Hugh Missildine, mirrors the dilemmas of borderlines in later life:
If you suffered from neglect in childhood, it may cause you to go from one person to another, hoping that someone will supply whatever is missing. You may not be able to care much about yourself, and think marriage will end this, and then find yourself in the alarming situation of being married but emotionally unattached. . . . Moreover, the person who [has] neglect in his background is always restless and anxious because he cannot obtain emotional satisfaction. . . . These restless, impulsive moves help to create the illusion of living emotionally. . . . Such a person may, for example, be engaged to be married to one person and simultaneously be maintaining sexual relationships with two or three others. Anyone who offers admiration and respect has appeal to them—and because their need for affection is so great, their ability to discriminate is severely impaired.21
From what we understand of the roots of BPD (see chapter 3), abuse, neglect, or prolonged separations early in childhood can greatly disrupt the developing infant’s establishment of trust. Self-esteem and autonomy are crippled. The abilities to cope with separation and to form identity do not proceed normally. As they become adults, abused children may recapitulate frustrating relationships with others. Pain and punishment may become associated with closeness—they come to believe that “love hurts.” As the borderline matures, self-mutilation may become the proxy for the abusive parent.
Children of Divorce: The Disappearing Father
Due primarily to divorce, more children than ever before are being raised without the physical and/or emotional presence of their father. Because most courts award children to the mother in custody cases, the large majority of single-parent homes are headed by mothers. Even in cases of joint custody or liberal visitation rights, the father, who is more likely to remarry sooner after divorce and start a new family, often fades from the child’s upbringing.
The recent trend in child raising, toward a more equal sharing of parental responsibilities between mother and father, makes divorce even more upsetting for the child. Children clearly benefit from dual parenting, but they also lose more when the marriage dissolves, especially if the breakup occurs during the formative years when the child still has many crucial developmental stages to hurdle.
Studies on the effects of divorce typically report profound upset, neediness, regression, and acute separation anxiety related to fears of abandonment in children of preschool age.22 A significant number are found to be depressed23 or antisocial in later stages of childhood. 24 Indeed, teens living in single-parent families are not only more likely to commit suicide but also more likely to suffer from psychological disorders, when compared to teens living in intact families.25
During separation and divorce, the child’s need for physical intimacy increases. For example, it is typical for a child at the time of separation to ask a parent to sleep with him. If the practice continues and sleeping