I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [45]
In many situations of parental separation, the child becomes the pawn in a destructive battle between his parents. David, a divorced father who usually ignored his visitation privileges, suddenly demanded that his daughter stay with him whenever he was angry at her mother. These visits were usually unpleasant for the child as well as for her father and his new family, yet were used as punishment for his ex-wife, who would feel guilty and powerless at his demands. Bobby became embroiled in conflicts between his divorced parents when his mother periodically took his father back to court to extract more child support monies. Bribes of material gifts or threats to cut off support for school or home maintenance are common weapons used between continuously skirmishing parents; the bribes and threats are usually more harmful to the children than they are to the parents.
Children may even be drawn into court battles and forced to testify about their parents. In these situations neither the parents, nor the courts, nor social welfare organizations can protect the child, who is often left with a sense of overwhelming helplessness (conflicts continue despite his input), or of intoxicating power (his testimony controls the battle between his parents). He may feel enraged at his predicament and yet fearful that he could be abandoned by everyone. All of this becomes fertile ground for the development of borderline pathology.
In addition to divorce, other powerful societal forces have contributed to the “absent father syndrome.” The past half century has witnessed the maturing of children of thousands of war veterans—World War II, Korean War, Vietnam, Persian Gulf, Iraq—not to mention many prison-camp and concentration-camp survivors. Not only were many of these fathers absent during significant portions of their children’s development, but many were found to develop post-traumatic stress disorders and delayed mourning (“impacted grief”) related to combat that also influenced child development.26 By 1970, 40 percent of World War II and Korean War POWs had met violent death by suicide, homicide, or auto accident (mostly one-car single-occupant accidents).27 The same trend has continued with Iraq War vets. According to U.S. Army figures, five soldiers per day tried to commit suicide in 2007, compared to less than one per day before the war.28 Children of holocaust survivors often have severe emotional difficulties, rooted in their parents’ massive psychic trauma.29
The absent father syndrome can lead to pathological consequences. Often in families torn by divorce or death, the mother tries to compensate by becoming the ideal parent, arranging every aspect of her child’s life; naturally, the child has limited opportunity to develop his own identity. Without the buffering of another parent, the mother-child link can be too close to allow for healthy separating.
Though the mother often seeks to replace the missing father, in many cases it is actually the child who tries to replace the absent father. In the absence of father, the symbiotic intensity of the bond with mother is greatly magnified. The child grows up with an idealized view of the mother and fantasies of forever trying to please her. And a parent’s dependence on the child may persist, interfering with growth and individuation, planting the seeds of BPD.
Permissive Child-Rearing Practices
Modern permissive child-rearing practices, involving the transfer of traditional