I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [53]
Incensed, she attributed the rejections to racial discrimination. She became more and more depressed and eventually entered the hospital.
In the hospital, Annette’s racial sensitivities exploded. Most of the doctors were white, as were most of the nurses and most of the other patients. The hospital decor was “white” and the meals were “white.” All of the anger built up over the years was now focused on society’s discrimination against blacks. By concentrating exclusively on this global issue, Annette avoided her own personal demons.
Her most challenging target was Harry, a music therapist on staff at the hospital. Annette felt that Harry (who was white) insisted on playing only “white” music, and that his looks and whole demeanor embodied “whiteness.” Annette vented her fury on this therapist, and she would stalk away angrily from the music therapy sessions.
Although Harry was frightened by the outbursts, he sought out Annette. His Support statement reflected his personal concern about Annette’s progress in the hospital program. Harry expressed his Empathy for Annette by voicing his recognition of how frustrating it feels to be discriminated against, and cited his own experiences as one of the only Jews in his educational program. Then Harry attempted to confront the Truth, or reality, issues in Annette’s life, pointing out that railing against racial discrimination was useless without a commitment to work toward changing it. Annette’s need to remain a victim, Harry said, shielded her from assuming any responsibility for what happened in her life. She could feel justified in cursing the fates rather than bravely investigating her own role in continuing to be used by others. By wrapping herself in a veil of righteous anger, Annette was avoiding any kind of frightening self-examination or confrontation that might induce change, and thereby was perpetuating her impotency and helplessness. This left her incapable of making changes “for her sake.”
At the next music therapy session, Annette did not stalk out of the room. Instead, she confronted Harry and the other patients. She suggested different songs to play. At the following meeting the group agreed to play some civil-rights protest songs of Annette’s choosing.
Harry’s response exemplified SET-UP principles and would have been useful for Annette’s boss, her friends—anyone who faced her angry outbursts on a regular basis.
SET-UP communication can free a borderline or anyone who is locked into a victim role by pointing out the advantages of being a victim (being cared for, appearing blameless for bad results, disavowing responsibility) and the disadvantages (abdicating autonomy, maintaining obsequious dependency, remaining fixated and immobile amid life’s dilemmas). The borderline “victim” must, however, hear all three parts of the message, otherwise the impact of the message will be lost. If “The Truth will set you free,” then Support and Empathy must accompany it to ensure it will be heard.
Quest for Meaning
Much of the borderline’s dramatic behavior is related to his interminable search for something to fill the emptiness that continually haunts him. Relationships and drugs are two of the mechanisms the borderline uses to combat the loneliness and to capture a sense of existing in a world that feels real.
CASE 4:RICH. “I guess I just love too much!” said Rich in describing his problems with his girlfriend. He was a thirty-year-old divorced man who had a succession of disastrous affairs with women. He would cling obsessively to these women, showering them with gifts and attention. Through them he felt whole, alive, and fulfilled. But he demanded from them—and from other friends—total obedience. In this way he felt in control, not only of them but more important of his own existence.
He became distraught when these women acted independently. He cajoled, insisted, and threatened.