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By Root 462 0

To stave off the omnipresent sense of emptiness, he attempted to control others; if they refused to comply with his wishes, Rich became seriously depressed and out of control. He would turn to alcohol or drugs to recapture his sense of being or authenticity. Sometimes he would pick fights or cut himself when he feared he was losing touch with his sensory or emotional feelings. When the anger and pain no longer brought changes, he would take up with another woman who perceived him as “misunderstood” and merely needing “the love of a good woman.” Then the process would start all over again.

Rich lacked insight into his dilemma, insisting that it was always “the bitch’s fault.” He dismissed his friends as not caring or not understanding—they were not able to convey Support or Empathy. The women he became involved with were initially sympathetic, but lacked the Truth component. Rich needed to be confronted with all three aspects.

In this situation, the S message would convey caring about Rich. The E part would accept without challenge Rich’s feeling of “loving too much” but would also help him understand his sense of emptiness and his need to fill it.

The Truth message would attempt to point out the patterns in Rich’s life that seem to repeat endlessly. Truth should also help Rich see that he uses women as he does drugs and self-mutilation—as objects or maneuvers to relieve numbness and feel whole. As long as Rich continues to search outside himself for inner contentment, he will remain frustrated and disappointed, because he cannot control outside forces and especially others, as he can control himself. For instance, despite his most frenzied efforts to regulate her, a new girlfriend will retain some independence outside the realm of Rich’s control. Or, he could lose a new job due to economic factors that may eliminate the position. But Rich can control his own creative powers, intellectual curiosity, and so on. Independent personal interests—books, hobbies, arts, sports, exercise—can serve as reliable and enduring sources of satisfaction, which cannot easily be taken away.

Search for Constancy

Adjusting to a world that is continually inconsistent and untrustworthy is a major problem for the borderline. The borderline’s universe lacks pattern and predictability. Friends, jobs, and skills can never be relied upon. The borderline must keep testing and retesting all of these aspects of his life; he is in constant fear that a trusted person or situation will change into the total opposite—absolute betrayal. A hero becomes a devil; the perfect job becomes the bane of his existence. The borderline cannot conceive that individual or situational object constancy can endure. He has no laurels on which to rest. Every day he must begin anew trying desperately to prove to himself that the world can be trusted. Just because the sun has risen in the East for thousands of years does not mean it will happen today. He must see it for himself each and every day.

CASE 5: PAT AND JAKE. Pat was an attractive twenty-nine-year-old woman in the process of divorcing her second husband. As with her first husband, she accused him of being an alcoholic and of abusing her. Her lawyer, Jake, saw her as an unfortunate victim in need of protection. He called her frequently to be sure she was all right. They began to have lunch together. As the case proceeded, they became lovers. Jake moved out of his house and away from his wife and two sons. Though not yet divorced, Pat moved in with him.

At first, Pat admired Jake’s intelligence and expertise. Where she felt weak and defenseless, he seemed “big and strong.” But over time she became increasingly demanding. As long as Jake was protective, Pat cooed. But when he began to make demands, she became hostile. She resented his going to work and particularly his involvement in other divorce cases. She resisted his visits to his children and accused him of choosing them over her. She would initiate brutal arguments that often culminated in her rushing out of the house to spend the night with a male “platonic