I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [55]
Pat lacked object constancy (see chapter 2 and Appendix B). Friendships and love relationships had to be constantly tested because she never felt secure with any human contact. Her need for reassurance was insatiable. She had been through countless other relationships in which she first appeared ingenuous and in need of caretaking and then tested them with outrageous demands. The relationships all ended with precisely the abandonment she feared, then she would repeat the process in her next romance.
At first, when Pat perceived Jake as supportive and reassuring, she idealized their relationship. But when he exhibited signs of functioning separately, she became enraged, cursing and denigrating him. When he was at the office, she would call him incessantly because, as she said, she was “forgetting him.” To her friends, Jake sounded like two completely different people—for Pat, he was.
SET confrontations of object inconstancy require recognition of this borderline dilemma. Support statements must convey that caring is constant, unconditional. Unfortunately, the borderline has difficulty grasping that she does not need to earn acceptance continuously. She is in constant fear that Support could be withdrawn if at any point she displeases. Thus, attempts at reassurance are never-ending and never enough.
The Empathy message should confirm an understanding that Pat has not yet learned to trust Jake’s continual attempts at comfort. Jake has to communicate his awareness of the horrific anxieties Pat is experiencing and how frightening it is for her to be alone.
Truth declarations must include attempts to reconcile the split parts. Jake has to explain that he cares for Pat all the time, even when he is frustrated by her. He must also declare his intention not to allow himself to be abused. Capitulation to Pat’s demands will only result in more demands. Trying to please and satisfy Pat is an impossible task, for it is never finished—new insecurities will always arise. Truth will probably mandate ongoing therapy for both of them, if their relationship is to continue.
The Rage of Innocence
Borderline rage is often terrifying in its unpredictability and intensity. It may be sparked by relatively insignificant events and explode without warning. It may be directed at previously valued people. The threat of violence frequently accompanies this anger. All of these features make borderline rage much different from typical anger.
In an instant, Pat could transform from a docile, dependent, childlike woman into a demanding, screaming harpy. On one occasion she suggested that she and Jake have a quiet lunch together. But when Jake told her he had to go to the office, she suddenly began screaming at him, inches from his face, accusing him of ignoring her needs. She viciously attacked his manhood, his failures as a husband and father, and his profession. She threatened to report him to the bar association for misconduct. When Jake’s attempts to placate her failed, he would silently leave the scene, which infuriated Pat even more. But when he returned, both would act as if nothing had ever happened.
SET-UP principles must first of all address safety issues. Volatility must be contained. In the scenario above, Jake’s Support and Empathy messages should come first, though Pat will probably reject them as insincere. In such cases it is imprudent for Jake to continue to argue that he cares and understands that she is upset. He must move immediately to Truth statements, which must first mandate that neither of them will physically harm the other. He must firmly tell her to back off, to allow some physical distance. He can inform her of his wish to communicate calmly with her. If she will not allow this, he can state his intention of leaving until the situation quiets down, at which point they can resume discussions. He must try to avoid physical conflict, despite Pat’s provocations. Although unconsciously Pat may actually want Jake to physically overpower her, this need is based on unhealthy experiences from her past, and will likely