I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [56]
Truth statements made during angry confrontations are often better directed toward the underlying dynamics than toward the specifics of the clash. Further debate about whether taking Pat to lunch is more important than going to the office will probably be unproductive. However, Jake might address Pat’s apparent need to fight and her possible wish to be overpowered and hurt. He might also confront Pat’s behavior as a need to be rejected. Is she so fearful of anticipating rejection that she is precipitating it in order to “hurry up and get it over with”? The primary Truth message is that this behavior is driving Jake away. He may ask if this is really what Pat wants.
The Need for Consistency
All Truth statements must, indeed, be true. For the borderline, already living in a world of inconsistencies, it is much worse to make idle threats about the unenforced consequences of an action than to passively allow inappropriate behaviors to continue. In Fatal Attraction, for example, Alex Forrest, the main female character in the popular 1987 film (played by Glenn Close), exhibited several “textbook” borderline traits in the extreme. Entering into an affair with Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas), a well-ensconced married man, she refuses to let go, even after it is obvious Dan will never leave his wife. By the end of the movie Dan, his family, and Alex are destroyed or close to it. Alex was used to resisting rejection by manipulating others. For Dan to say he was going to end the relationship without unequivocally doing so was destructive. Of course, he didn’t know that following the termination of an intense relationship, the borderline is unable to “just be friends”—an “in-between” relationship that the borderline finds intolerable.
Because the borderline has such difficulty with equivocation, intentions must be backed up with clear, predictable actions. A parent who threatens his adolescent with revocation of privileges for certain behaviors and then does not carry out his promises exacerbates the problem. A therapist who purports to set limits for therapy—establishing fees, limiting phone calls, etc.—but then does not follow through invites increased borderline testing.
Borderlines are often reared in situations in which threats and dramatic actions are the only ways to achieve what is sought. Just as the borderline perceives acceptance as conditional, so rejection can also be seen this way. The borderline feels that if only he is attractive enough, or smart enough, or rich enough, or demanding enough, he will ultimately get what he wants. The more outrageous behavior is rewarded, the more the borderline will employ such maneuvers.
Although the SET-UP principles were developed for working with borderline patients, they can be useful for dealing with others. When communication is stalled, SET-UP can help focus on messages that are not being successfully transmitted. If an individual feels that he is not supported or respected, or that he is misunderstood, or if he refuses to address realistic problems, specific SET steps can be taken to reinforce these flagging areas. In today’s complex world, a clear set of communication principles that includes both love and reason are necessary to overcome the tribulations of borderline chaos. Productive communication requires Understanding and Perseverence. Understanding the underlying dynamics of the communication and the needs of the partner reinforce SET principles. Perseverance is necessary to effect change. For many borderlines, having a consistent, unflappable figure in their lives (neighbor, friend, therapist) may be one of the most important requirements for healing. Such a figure may contribute little except for his consistency and acceptance (in the face of frequent provocations), yet furnish the borderline with a model of constancy in the borderline’s otherwise chaotic world.
Chapter Six
Coping with the Borderline
But he’s a human being, and a terrible thing is happening to him. So attention must be paid. He is not to be allowed