I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [61]
Understanding Your Own Emotions
When you join the borderline on his roller-coaster ride, you also must expect to experience a variety of emotions, especially guilt, fear, and anger. When self-destructive, the borderline may appear helpless and project responsibility for his behavior onto others, who may all too readily accept it. Guilt is a strong inhibitor of honest confrontation. Similarly, fear of physical harm—to the borderline, others, or yourself—may also be a powerful deterrent to initiating interactions. Anger is a common reaction when, as frequently occurs, you feel manipulated or simply don’t like or understand a certain behavior.
Lois’s mother called Lois frequently, complaining of severe headaches, loneliness, and an overall disgust with life. With her father long dead and her siblings estranged from the family, Lois was the “good daughter,” the only child who cared.
Lois felt guilty when her mother was alone and in pain. Despite Lois’s love for her mother and the feelings of guilt her mother triggered, Lois began feeling angry when she saw her mother becoming progressively more helpless and unwilling to take care of herself. Lois began to recognize that she was being taken advantage of by her mother’s increasing dependency. But when Lois expressed her anger, her mother just became more tearful and helpless, and Lois felt more guilty, and the cycle repeated again. Only when Lois untangled herself from this interlocking system was her mother forced to achieve a healthier self-sufficiency.
Special Parenting Problems
Most borderlines describe childhoods with characteristic features. Often, one parent was missing or frequently absent; had time-consuming outside interests, hobbies, or career demands; or abused alcohol or drugs.
If both parents did live in the home, their relationship was often not harmonious. There was frequently a lack of consensus about child rearing and, subsequently, one parent, usually the mother, assumed the primary parenting role. Such parents are rarely capable of presenting a united, collaborative front to their children. For such children, the world abounds with inconsistencies and invalidation. When the child requires structure, he receives contradictions; when he needs firmness, he gets ambivalence. Thus, the future borderline is deprived of the opportunity to develop a consistent, core identity.
The mother of a borderline may be blatantly ill, but more often her pathology is quite subtle. She may even be perceived by others as the “perfect mother” because of her total “dedication” to her children. Deeper observation, however, reveals her over-involvement in her children’s lives, her encouragement of mutual dependencies, and her unwillingness to allow her children to mature and separate naturally.
Attempting to maintain consistent child rearing after separation or divorce is especially challenging. Consistency may be difficult for the borderline parent, who may consciously or unconsciously use the children to continue the battle with her spouse. The other parent should try to minimize conflicts by being highly selective in “choosing one’s battles.” Trying to defend oneself or debate accusations will not alter the resentment and will only confuse the children. Often, the best approach is to redirect conversation away from the personal relationship. Try to get the spouse to focus only on “what’s best for the kids.” Usually, common ground can be found and conflict can be minimized.
Separations
Separations from parents, particularly during the first few years of life, are common in the borderline biography. On the surface, these