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By Root 482 0

separations may appear insignificant, yet they have profound effects. For example, the birth of a sibling takes the mother away from her normal activities for a few weeks, but when she returns, she is no longer as responsive to the older child; in the eyes of the older child, mother has disappeared, replaced by someone different—one who now has mothering duties with a younger sibling. For the healthy child in a healthy environment, this trauma is easily overcome, but for the borderline in a borderline setting, it may be one of a series of losses and perceived abandonments. Extended illnesses, frequent travels, divorce, or the death of a parent also deprive the developing infant of consistent mothering at crucial times, which may interfere with his abilities to develop trust and constancy in his unstable and unreliable world.

The Trauma of Child Abuse

Severe physical and/or sexual abuse is a common trauma in the history of the borderline personality. When a child is abused, he invariably blames himself because (consciously or subconsciously) that is the best of the available alternatives. If he blames the adult, he will be terrified by his dependency on incompetents who are unable to take care of him. If he blames no one, pain becomes random and unpredictable and therefore even more frightening because he has no hope of controlling it. Blaming himself makes the abuse easier to understand and therefore possible to control—he can feel that he somehow causes the abuse and therefore will be able to find a way to end it, or he will give up and accept that he is “bad.”

In these situations, the borderline learns early in life that he is bad, that he causes bad things to happen. He begins to expect punishment and may only feel secure when being punished. Later, self-mutilation may sometimes be the borderline’s way of perpetuating this familiar, secure feeling of being chastised. He may see abuse as a kind of love and repeat the abuse with his own children. As an adult, he remains locked in the child’s confusing world, in which love and hate comingle, only good and bad exist with no in-between, and only inconsistency is consistent.

Abuse can take subtler forms than physical violence or deviant sexuality. Emotional abuse—expressed as verbal harassment, sarcasm, humiliation, or frigid silence—can be equally devastating.

Stephanie could never please her father. When she was young, he called her “Chubby” and laughed at her clumsy tomboy attempts to please him by playing sports. She was “stupid” when her grades were less than perfect and when she broke dishes while trying to clear the kitchen. He ridiculed her strapless gown on prom night and, on graduation day, insisted that she would amount to nothing.

As an adult, Stephanie was always unsure of herself, never trusting flattering comments and hopelessly trying to please people who were impossible to please. After a long string of destructive relationships, Stephanie finally met Ted, who seemed caring and supportive. At every turn, however, Stephanie tried to sabotage the relationship by constantly testing his loyalty and questioning his commitment, convinced that no one whom she valued could value her.

Ted needed to understand Stephanie’s background and recognize that trust could not realistically be established except over long periods of time. Not everyone is willing to wait. Ted was.

Recognizing BPD in Adolescence

By definition, the struggles of adolescence and BPD are very similar: both the normal adolescent and the borderline struggle for individuality and separation from parents, seek bonds with friends and identification with groups, try to avoid being alone, tend to go through dramatic mood changes, and are generally prone to impulsivity. The teenager’s easy distractibility is analogous to the borderline’s difficulty to commit himself to a goal and follow through. Adolescents’ eccentric dress styles, prehistoric eating habits, and piercing music are usually attempts to carve out a distinctive identity and relate to specific groups of peers, efforts similar to those