I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [98]
Unwilling to play the hand that is dealt him, the borderline keeps folding every time, losing his ante, waiting to be dealt four aces. If he cannot be assured of winning, he won’t play out the hand. Improvement comes when he learns to accept the hand for what it is, and recognize that, skillfully played, he can still win.
The borderline, like many people, is sometimes paralyzed by indecisiveness. Various alternatives seem overwhelming, and the borderline feels incapable of making any decisions. But as she matures, choices appear less frightening and may even become a source of pride and growing independence. At that point the borderline recognizes that she faces decisions that only she is capable of making. “I’m finding,” Elizabeth noted, “that the roots of my indecisiveness are the beginning of success. I mean, the agony of choosing is that I suddenly see choices.”
Boundary Setting: Establishing an Identity
One of the borderline’s primary goals is to establish a separate sense of identity and to overcome the proclivity to merge with others. In biological terms, it is like advancing from a parasitic life-form to a state of symbiosis and even independence. Either symbiosis or independence can be terrifying, and most borderlines find that relying on themselves is like walking for the first time.
In biology the parasite’s existence is entirely dependent on the host organism. If the parasitic tick sucks too much blood from the host dog, the dog dies and the tick soon follows. Human relationships function best when they are less parasitic and more symbiotic. In symbiosis two organisms thrive better together, but may subsist independently. For example, moss growing on a tree may help the tree by shading it from direct sunlight, and help itself by having access to the tree’s large supply of underground water. But if either the moss or the tree dies, the other may continue to survive, though less well. The borderline sometimes functions as a parasite whose demanding dependence may eventually destroy the person to whom he so strongly clings; when this person leaves, the borderline may be destroyed. If he can learn to establish more collaborative relationships with others, all may learn to live more contentedly.
Elizabeth’s increasing comfort with others started with her relationship with her psychiatrist. After months of testing his loyalty by berating and criticizing him and threatening to terminate therapy, Elizabeth began to trust his commitment to her. She began to accept his flaws and mistakes, rather than see them as proof of the inevitability of his failing her. After a while, Elizabeth began to extend the same developing trust to others in her life. And she began to accept herself, imperfections and all, just as she was accepting others the same way.
As Elizabeth continued to improve, she became more confident that she would not lose her “inner core.” Where once she would squirm in a group of people, feeling self-conscious and out of place, she could now feel comfortable with others, letting them take responsibility for themselves and she for herself. Where once she felt compelled to adopt a role in order to fit into the group, she could now hold on to her more constant, immutable sense of self; now she could “stay the same color” more easily. Establishing a constant identity means developing the ability to stand alone without relying on someone else to lean upon. It means trusting one’s own judgment and instincts and then acting rather than waiting for the feedback of others and then reacting.
Building Relationships
As the borderline forges a distinct, core sense of identity, he also differentiates himself from others. Change requires the appreciation of others as independent persons and the empathy to understand their