I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [99]
The borderline must learn to integrate the positive and negative aspects of other individuals. When the borderline wants to get close to another person, he must learn to be independent enough to be dependent in comfortable, not desperate, ways. He learns to function symbiotically, not parasitically. The healing borderline develops a constancy about himself and about others; trust—of others and of his own perceptions—develops. The world becomes more balanced, more in between.
Just as in climbing a mountain, the fullest experience comes when the climber can appreciate all the vistas: to look up and keep his goal firmly in view, to look down and recognize his progress as he proceeds. And finally, to rest, look around, and admire the view from right where he is at the moment. Part of the experience is recognizing that no one ever reaches the pinnacle; life is a continuous climb up the mountain. A good deal of mental health is being able to appreciate the journey—to be able to grasp the Serenity Prayer invoked at most twelve-step meetings: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Recognizing the Effect of Change on Others
When an individual first enters therapy, he often does not understand that it is he, not others, who must make changes. However, when he does make changes, important people in his life must also adjust. Stable relationships are dynamic, fluctuating systems that have attained a state of equilibrium. When one person in that system makes significant changes in his ways of relating, others must adjust in order to recapture homeostasis, a state of balance. If these readjustments do not occur, the system may collapse and the relationships may shatter.
For example, Alicia consults a psychotherapist for severe depression and anxiety. In therapy, she rails against her alcoholic husband, Adam, whom she blames for her feelings of worthlessness. Eventually she recognizes her own role in the crumbling marriage—her own need to have others become dependent upon her, her reciprocal need to shame them, and her fears of reaching for independence. She begins to blame Adam less. She develops new, independent interests and relationships. She stops her crying episodes; she stops initiating fights over his drinking; the equilibrium of the marriage is altered.
Adam may now find that the situation is much more uncomfortable than it was before. He may escalate his drinking in an unconscious attempt to reestablish the old equilibrium and compel Alicia to return to her martyred, caretaking role. He may accuse her of seeing other men and try to disrupt their relationship, now intolerable to him.
Or, he too can begin to see the necessity for change and his own responsibility in maintaining this pathological equilibrium. He may take the opportunity to see his own actions more clearly and reevaluate his own life, just as he has seen his wife do.
Participation in therapy may be a valuable experience for everyone affected. The more interesting and knowledgeable Elizabeth became, the more ignorant her husband seemed to her. The more opened-minded she became—the more gray she was able to perceive in a situation—the more black and white he became in order to reestablish equilibrium. She felt that she was “leaving someone behind.” That person was her—or, more closely, a part of her she no longer needed or wanted. She was, in her words, “growing up.”
As Elizabeth