I Just Want You to Know_ Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith, and Family - Kate Gosselin [33]
It wasn’t until I realized this that my communication changed.
8
NO GROUP THINK
When I was pregnant with the six, I thought naively, “At least we’ve had twins before, so we know how to parent multiples.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. What you do with two, you can’t do with six. My mothering had to completely change.
As every mother knows, it’s important to see each child as an individual created by God. I knew that too, but with multiples, it was tempting to fall into a group mentality during their first two years. I changed all of their diapers at once, fed them the same meals at the same times, and took them to the same places together. Giving them individual treatment just wasn’t doable.
When their personalities starting shining through, it wasn’t possible to think of them only as a group anymore—and it started to become easier to find ways to make each child feel special for who he or she was. Their differences started to become noticeable especially when they started talking, and I could see how each of the kids is unique from any other. It is amazing to see how different each of my kids are when they all came from the same environment, same parents, same house—and are even the same age.
I began to treat them differently as they got older. I had always been strict and rigid, so it took me awhile to understand that since each child is different, we don’t have to parent them the same. I needed to figure out what worked for each of them.
Other moms of multiples told us they gave certain kids permission not to nap anymore. Hearing that somehow gave me permission to parent creatively. We don’t just try to be fair; we try to raise each one according to his or her own unique personalities, talents, and needs.
Sure enough, as they got older, some of the kids still needed a nap while others didn’t. Cara didn’t always need a nap when she was younger, so I told her to come downstairs when Mady fell asleep. Same with the little girls—Alexis always needed a nap or she’d fall asleep during dinner. Leah slept most of the time, but Hannah never did. I started telling her she could come downstairs when the other two fell asleep.
Then when Hannah and Leah started asking for a “nakin,” I would let them have one at each meal. They were the only ones who did not shred or rip them. I tried to look for little things to reward each of them, so they felt like individuals.
All of the kids are so completely different that how I talk to them, discipline them, and play with them is different. With Collin I have to be firm and clear, but if I used the same voice with Aaden, he would be in tears instantly. I can treat Hannah like a seven-year-old sometimes and rationalize with her, and I can also reason with Leah; but with Alexis, I have to go over everything over and over again, since she’s not as focused.
Mady and Cara have flip flopped personalities growing up; they each took turns being the dominant one. I have since learned this is normal for twins, though it has not been my experience in raising higher order multiples.
Alexis in a cozy spot.
Alexis is silly, loves making people laugh—and trouble finds her. Hannah has always acted older and worries if anyone is sick or if things aren’t fair. Aaden is thoughtful. Collin is orderly yet controlling. Leah loves girly, baby things. Joel has always been easygoing.
While I can’t always give each one my undivided attention every day, each child is on my radar screen at different times. When the little girls were potty training, I didn’t have to think about the boys who were still in diapers; and when I trained the boys I didn’t need to focus on the girls because they had already been potty trained. It was nice to not have to worry about all of them at once. When Aaden needed glasses, he was on my radar screen. And of course, when he got glasses we needed to figure out