I Just Want You to Know_ Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith, and Family - Kate Gosselin [43]
At birth, you were the biggest baby—the only one who broke three pounds. And don’t forget the half ounce above. Every little bit counted at that size! You were my big boy. Even though you were big, you actually struggled a lot. Due to your respiratory issues, I was not able to see your face for two weeks following your birth. It really bothered me that I didn’t know what my little boy looked like. And furthermore, I couldn’t even hold you! I remember the first time Daddy and I were able to hold you. We left Cara and Mady to swim with friends on that Sunday afternoon and drove to the hospital eagerly. We held you for a short time before you started to have difficulty breathing. But it was so good to see who you were—even if it was cut short. You had gorgeous dark brown eyes and floppy cheeks that were precious. I loved holding you close!
I have enjoyed watching you grow and remember the first time I knew you were a genius. You were barely two and I was changing your diaper and dressing you. You said, “Boo, Mommy.” I thought you were trying to scare me until I realized you were pointing at your blue shirt. I had no idea you knew your colors, but when I started pointing to every different color in the room, you proved it to me. I was quite astonished! And my amazement of your intelligence didn’t stop there. You are the only five-year-old I know who can add 17 and 21 (far from the only addition problem you can do mentally) and come up with the correct answer!
You, by nature, are also very sweet, kind, and helpful. I encourage you to continue to use these gifts and help others whenever you can. I have seen you help your brothers and sisters as well as myself, and it warms my heart. Keep it up, sweet boy. We appreciate you!
As you have grown, however, I must say you have also challenged my authority greatly. At two and a half, you began testing and trying my parenting at every chance. I called Daddy at work many days crying because you would not obey. I had to ask you every day, “Who’s in charge: you or me?” You would reluctantly answer, “You are.” As you have grown, this fact has not changed. You continue to be determined to do what you want to do, and I continue to try to rein you in.
Most days, I am able to see that this determination is a quality I also possess. It is a quality that will take you far—as long as you make the right choices in life. This determination will not allow bumps in the road or tall mountains placed in your path to deter you. You will prevail and succeed at whatever you attempt. This perseverance is a wonderful quality if steered correctly. I am working on good choice versus bad choice with you now at five years old. I pray that your good choices in life will far outweigh your bad choices. If you allow me, I will be with you, helping you to make the right choices so that you are able to succeed always.
Although I obviously do not possess the skills necessary to father you, I will walk with you and help guide you as I do my very best to mother you. I desire for you a rewarding career, a healthy, loving family, and happiness always. I pray that you will grow to love God and make choices that please him always.
I know that the recent events in our family structure have greatly upset you—maybe you most of all. I want you to know that I have made and will continue to make decisions based on what I believe is best for you and your brothers and sisters. These changes, I realize, are still painful and hurt a lot. I want you to know that my love for you will never change. I will never leave you; and when I must leave to go to work, I will always come back. I will always be your “same mommy,” as I often remind you now. You and your brothers and sisters are the reason I breathe. That fact will never change.
Thank you, Collin, for the complete honor of being your mommy! There