I Love a Broad Margin to My Life - Maxine Hong Kingston [46]
he will be waiting for you at the airport.”
She listened to the wise old woman teaching her.
But how to instruct anyone the way to make
an American life? How to have a happy
marriage? For a long time in the dark,
dozing, dreaming, thinking, we sat
without speaking, without letting go
of warm hands. The red red green
green appeared again. I told her,
“That’s Japan. We’re over Japan now.
We’ll be landing soon in Narita.”
“Waw! You speak Japanese too.”
She admires me too much. Inside
the horrible confusion of the international
airport, how can a mind from
the village not fall to crazy pieces?
I found a nice American couple making
the connecting flight to New York, and asked
them please to take this Chinese girl
to the right gate. She thanked me. She said
goodbye, see you again. “Joy kin.”
She did not look back. Good.
Gotta go, things to do, people
to meet, places to be.
CITY
I betook
myself to Xi’an. Like everyone,
I’m leaving village for city. But a city
so old and deep in-country, it has a chance
not to be the same global city
as every city. Xi’an means West Peace,
and was the capital during 4 eras, not Sung.
I stood at the bottom of the gray rock wall
of the walled city, looked up its slope,
looked to the curved sides, could not get
a sense of the whole layout. More solid
than Long Wall. A granite bowl banks
the earth around (parts of?) the city. I stood
on top of the wall, walked the boulevard
paved with bricks. I enjoyed spaciousness,
few walkers that day, few bicyclists.
At the ramparts on one side, I looked down
at ponds and moats. On the other side, sky-
scrapers, like a mirage city, much higher
than the walls. Relics of military defense,
walls are no barrier to attack, no
barrier to in-migration, never have been.
Xi’an, like the dusty villages, pushes out of
earth, and earth pulls it down into earth.
Build upward, towers, skyscrapers,
pagodas. Dig out of engulfing earth.
The air is dark. Everyone coughs.
Cover the kids’ faces with gauzy scarves.
It’s not just the cars. It’s the wind
blowing sand into this city at the south-
easternmost edge of the Gobi desert.
The body of sand is shifting over eastward,
and uncovering rock ground. Down in the street,
though dirt gray (this day won’t count
as blue-sky day either), glass
and steel shine through. Cities are full
of mirrors. My whole time in the villages, I
did not see a mirror. I had not looked
at my image. Village people live so close
together—everyone sees everyone every
day—they know how attractive or unattractive
they are. Now the way I look
appears to me, here, there, in windows, on chrome,
in mirrors in markets and bathrooms. I have changed.
I am a dandelion puffball blur. My hair,
scribbles of white lines. My face. Lines
crisscross and zigzag my face.
My eyes. I am looking into eyes
whose color has turned lighter, hazy brown.
Wind and time are blowing me out.
The old women around me are vivid and loud.
Their hair is black. They’re beggars, soliciting
in a group outside the temple, selling
incense and matches, but don’t care whether
you buy or not. They’re out of the house enjoying
ladies’ company. A lone gray woman is
sitting on the curb by the crosswalk.
She’s begging, not selling anything;
begging is against the law. A policeman
and a cadre woman in charge of the street talk
to her for a long time. The cop kneels
to talk to her. She does not reply. I think
he’s trying to convince her to cease begging,
to get up and move on. The cadre
woman, an old woman too, is not
giving her a scolding. They’re treating her nicely,
speaking softly, secretively. They don’t want
to make a scene on the street, don’t want
this conturbation to be happening. Homeless old
beggar women? None such. I
keep watching. They won’t hurt her as long
as the American tourist watches. After quite
a while, I have more interesting sights
to see, and leave. When I come back
to that street corner, she’s gone. Why
is it that old women are China’s refuse,
and men, war