I Never Knew There Was a Word for It - Adam Jacot De Boinod [129]
muppet shuffle the redeployment of problem staff
featherbedding (1949) the practice of forcing the employer (by union rule etc.) to hire more workers than needed (or to limit his workers’ production)
kicked upstairs (1697) removed from the scene of action by promotion to an ostensibly higher post
other shoe syndrome when a number of executives in a firm are being made redundant, those survivors, rather than feeling relieved, find their own morale sabotaged as they wait for ‘the other shoe’ to come down on them
chainsaw consultants outside experts brought in to reduce the employee headcount (leaving the top brass with clean hands)
THE SACK
So unpleasant is it to ask people to clear their desks and take their skills elsewhere, that a huge number of words and phrases has grown up to euphemistically describe the simple fact of redundancy. You might have been handed your cards or perhaps you’re clearing your desk, considering your position or maybe becoming a consultant. Maybe you’ve been deselected or you’re taking an early bath. Then again, perhaps you’re excess to requirements or you’ve even been excluded. You’re leaving to give time to your other commitments or else you’re off on gardening leave. If you’re lucky you’ll have negotiated a golden handshake rather than merely being given a leave of absence or let go. When you’re given notice let’s hope they don’t say it’s natural wastage or that you’ve been stood down. No, you’re spending more time with your wife and family, as it’s your right to do, even if your contract has been terminated and nobody could really describe this as a voluntary relocation.
SMALL IS BETTER
As for the ruthless companies themselves, why, they’re doing nothing more unnatural than a bit of decruitment. They are in fact degrowing, dehiring, delayering and destaffing. In a process of downsizing some employees have had to take early release. Yes, there is a bit of executive outplacement and force reduction going on. Shall we call it internal reorganization? Nobody is being put out to grass. There’s been a personnel surplus reduction, indeed a straightforward rationalization of the workforce. Some people have been redeployed. There’s been a bit of restructuring, some retrenching and rightsizing, not to mention schedule adjustment, selective separation and skill-mix adjustment. It’s all nothing more than a bit of transitioning, vocational relocation and workforce imbalance correction.
MY OLD MAN’S A …
Once upon a time, we were all quite happy to say exactly what it was we did. But as status has become ever more important, some quite straightforward occupations have developed some quite preposterous titles:
vision clearance engineer a window cleaner
stock replenishment adviser a shelf stacker
dispatch services facilitator a post room worker
head of verbal communications a receptionist/secretary
environment improvement technician a cleaner
HAWKERS AND HUCKSTERS
However you dress him (or her) up, there’s no denying that a salesman is always a salesman. It’s an occupation that’s been around since men first started trading beads and barley:
chafferer (1382) a vendor who enjoys talking while making a sale
mangonize (Tudor–Stuart) to sell men or boys for slaves
bend-down plaza (Jamaican English) a row of roadside pedlars, specializing in items that are hard to get in shops, because of import restrictions
amster (Australian slang 1941) one who works outside a carnival, sideshow, strip club etc. touting the pleasures inside and pulling in the customers
click (1748) to stand at a shop-door and invite customers in
jaw-work! (mid 18C) a cry used in fairs by the sellers of nuts
WIDOWS AND ORPHANS
These guys know the price of everything, and its value too, and they’ve plenty of lingo to describe what they’re trying to get rid of …
zhing-zhong (Zimbabwean slang) merchandise made in Asia; cheaply made,