I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [100]
‘Yeah, but only if folk want helping,’ he spluttered, unintellectually. ‘Tha’s no right to come up t’ folk and t’ tell ’em wot’s right and what’s not, tha dunt. I’m happy as I am.’
He made me think about all the funny things Jez Clarkson says about the working class. I thought, ‘Wow. If Clarkson could hear this spiel, he’d have a field day, laughing along with me at this guy’s working classness.’ No doubt we’d end up down the pub swapping stories about people with no money.236
‘My friend,’ I said, ‘you’re wearing a high-visibility jacket over a t-shirt that says “Rage Against the Machine” on it – the only machine here is that generator and if you were to rage against that, it’d be riding rough shod over basic health and safety. Not a good look, hombre!’
And with that quip, I revved my engine, ready to speed off. There was no traffic in either direction so I was ready to slam her into first and really let rip. You snub my advice, I’m going to deliver a quip and then drive past you fast – it’s that simple.
But he just stood there watching me, the Stop side of the lollipop facing my way. I revved louder to let him know I was eager to drive past him fast but he seemed not to notice.
I started to become anxious. The more time that elapsed between my acid put-down and me driving off fast, the less it would seem like a conversational flourish – it’d just look irresponsible. I revved again. Still nothing.
I called out to him but he didn’t seem to hear me. This was really annoying. On the off chance that he might be about to turn the lolly round I repeated the ‘Not a good look, hombre’ bit to give it proximity to my driving away. But then a full five minutes passed.
With my requests falling on deaf ears, I got out of the car and approached him.237 I was just about to ask him to turn the lollipop to Go when he did just that. I trudged back to the car and pulled steadily away.
I learnt something that day. That unsolicited life coaching was inadvisable. If people don’t pay for it, they don’t appreciate it. Even during the Sermon on the Mount there must have been a couple of Sinai-based goat herders who wished Christ would just eff off.
Also, it’s not a sustainable business model, and at least by charging a fee you cut out the true bottom feeders – who are probably beyond help anyway. My advice is more for amateur businessmen, shopkeepers, even people who rent out pedalos on a shallow man-made lake. It’s not for single parents, asylum seekers, football hooligans, people in care, or criminals (unless white collar and sorry).
No, Forward Solutions™ was a potentially lucrative, potential helpful, potentially global life-improvement programme that, having helped me, could potentially help other people. I whipped it into the shape of a 60-minute presentation and, alongside my radio work, it became a source of real professional fulfilment that made me feel good (pride) and look good (image).
So what was Forward Solutions™? Perhaps it’s easier to tell you what Forward Solutions™ wasn’t.
1. It wasn’t some attempt to boost my profile and secure lucrative television work. No, no. My TV days were dead to me and I was fine with that. Did I miss having my own parking space at Television Centre? Not really. Do I even remember that my face on the cover of the Radio Times once led to a 2% leap in circulation? Can’t say I do. Did I used to enjoy the make-up girls referring to me as ‘Mr Partridge’ but calling Nicholas Witchell ‘Nick’? Perhaps a little.
But, just to reiterate, Forward Solutions™ was not and is not some presentation that could just be repackaged into a 12-part series of lifestyle makeover shows for BBC 1.
2. It wasn’t some kind of clever-clogs psychobabble. The opposite! What was unique about my system was that it took science and plucked the good bits out and dismissed the rubbish. Science can really bog things down with blah-blah about research, tests, statistics, facts and psychology. I didn’t want to be bogged down. I wanted to be bogged up.
3. It wasn’t just another