I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [101]
But I had a considerable advantage in that, unlike the three I’ve just mentioned, Forward Solutions™ wasn’t shit. I really was offering the best coaching around. Yes, Blender raises the interesting point that the hero is deep within us and all he needs is soul food. And yes, Els does offer a moving discourse about hope being a buddy who doesn’t mind what time you call. And there’s a certain entertainment value in watching Baptiste whoop and holler like he’s got chillies in his unders. But could they compete with Forward Solutions™? No.
4. It wasn’t all about personal happiness. It had real business benefits too. From day one, hour one, minute one, second one, I wanted to create something that was touching yet business-like: a presentation that would make you laugh and make you cry or (if better) make you stop laughing and make you stop crying.
5. It wasn’t just spoken passages culled directly from Bouncing Back. Although some bits did double up. It had taken a great deal of thought and consideration and thinking. Nothing was rushed – and boy, did that pay off. It was a presentation I developed very gradually in my bathroom mirror. What started out as me slapping my own face and saying ‘You have to get through this’ went on to become what Winning Management magazine describes as ‘nothing less than the advertised hour’.
But there were still doubters – still are! In Britain, people are very wary of seeking help for problems that occur around the head, brain or mind.
Why? If your car breaks down, you call the AA. If your mind breaks down, I’d say, call the AP.239 Actually, unlike the AA, AP doesn’t discriminate against middle-aged men. Try phoning the AA when you’re not a pregnant disabled single mother and see how much they value your call. You’ll be there all night.
Last time my fan belt went, I was in the middle of Norfolk at 2am and I had to flag down a woman’s car and demand that she make the phone call for me. She was really scared. But then so was I.240 Why would a single woman be any more prone than a single man? Single men can be just as vulnerable to a crazed homosexual pest241 or – and this is less likely – a very strong woman.
So now that it’s clear what it wasn’t – and I was certainly clear on that – I felt it was high time I shared Forward Solutions™ with the world.
Fast forward three months and a thrusting go-getter by the name of Alan Partridge is in the staff room of Richer Sounds in Norwich, wrapping up a well-honed presentation to a sales team that would outnumber the fingers on both hands of a fully able man.
‘So you see, it’s not about “self-help” or “self-improvement”.’ (I’m walking slowly up and down as I say this. You can’t take your flippin’ eyes off me.) ‘What I’m talking about is “self-transformation”.’
Oh, now they’re listening.
‘Self-trans-formation. The actions I’ve given to you – to you Daniel, to you Marvin, to you Sam, to you Andrew242 – the actions I’ve given to you are nothing less than a Self-Transformation Diagnosis. Now I’ve given STDs to men, women, children in some cases …’
They’re smiling now.
‘Actually I find that it’s most pleasurable to give STDs to kids. The younger the better really. When I go into schools and give STDs to kids, I know that I’m really having an impact on the rest of their lives. And that excites me.’
All of them laugh and, although I only later work out what the joke is and pledge not to acronymise Self-Transformation Diagnosis ever again, it’s a nice upbeat ending to the session.
‘Now go out there and attack the planet!’
Think this was a one-off? Think again. The Richer Sounds presentation was in December 2005. In the preceding seven months alone, I’d presented Forward Solutions to the