If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [11]
Tempers fray, tears of desperation fall, and a feeling of helplessness pervades. The remaining twelve-pack of beer is readily consumed and emotions become volatile. Without talking things over, someone leaves to walk fifteen miles to get help, which leaves others worried and upset. They sit in the car for a while and then get out and stand around. Each person feels alone with their fear and worried about what will happen. Any suggestion about what to do is countered with arguments of why it won’t work.
Eventually both groups are rescued and taken to safety. The unstuck group will recall the experience as an adventure, feel close to each other, and have a deeper sense of their ability to master difficult situations. The stuck group will feel upset whenever they think about the experience, recall it as traumatic, and continue to feel strained in their relationships to each other. They have a deeper sense of fear about adventure and may curtail future explorations of this sort.
Building on these examples, here are some traits of people who live in a stuck mentality. In the following chapter I’ll describe the qualities of those who generally stay unstuck.
Traits of People Who Are Stuck
Most of us have aspects of being stuck and unstuck. In general, the feeling of being stuck in life is the result of a whole constellation of factors, not just one. You can’t necessarily measure being stuck by the outward appearance of one’s actions. It’s often the inner experience that determines whether a person is stuck. For example, one person might work relentlessly in a joyless pursuit to prove he is worthwhile or successful, while another person’s hard work might stem from fascination, joy, and dedication. One will feel stressed, the other won’t.
The descriptions that follow are tendencies and leanings rather than absolutes. For most people some fit and others don’t. We’ll start with the qualities of being stuck and then we’ll look at the opposite qualities.
What Keeps People Stuck
A sense of helplessness or lack of entitlement at one’s core. People who stay stuck have difficulty mobilizing themselves to take action. It’s as if the will that leads to action has been thwarted or undeveloped. Opportunities come and go, but you remain on the outside looking in, feeling powerless to take a first step. Those better jobs or relationships are for other people. This doesn’t mean that people who feel helpless or unentitled don’t work hard. In fact, they often work very hard at unrewarding or unpleasant jobs. It’s when they could improve their lives by stretching their minds, learning a new skill, or taking on a challenge that they become afraid or feel inertia overtake them.
Negative thinking. As a social worker friend who works with troubled families says, “No excuse is too small.” When contemplating change, the mind immediately goes to something negative—why it won’t work, how hard it is, how it hasn’t worked in the past. It’s either too difficult, too hot, too embarrassing, the wrong time of year, doesn’t feel good, there isn’t money, it would be awkward. People avoid doing anything that’s the least bit uncomfortable rather than take action in their behalf.
Keeping life chaotic. People who stay stuck often have a chaotic approach to problem solving, planning, and organizing their lives. Impulsivity and emotion take over, while reason and planning get abandoned. They often get distracted and discouraged, fail to finish tasks, stick to a plan, or budget money for basics. When life is chaotic, it lacks focus and often moves from one calamity to another. Bills are overdue, the leaking faucet becomes a flood, the weird sound in the car becomes an accident or a very expensive repair.
An inability to calm or soothe oneself in healthy ways. Some people stay in a revved up, agitated state because they lack healthy resources for calming themselves in the face of stress. Instead of breathing