If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [12]
Difficulty connecting with other people and a lack of a support system. People who stay stuck often isolate themselves or feel highly anxious around others. They may fear being shamed, put down, left, or criticized. Without caring human connections we miss out on the support, spark of ideas, inspiration, encouragement, and friendship that can help motivate us to take a risk, look within, or solve problems.
Looking to external sources for a sense of happiness or to feel “worthwhile.” People who get stuck often adopt the mistaken belief that status, possessions, looks, achievements, or success will prove that they are worthwhile or lovable. They may seek to anchor themselves with fame, money, sex, gurus, teachers, advisers, theories, belief systems, spiritual practices, images, or religion. But there are no magical answers to the need for acceptance of life as it is, with all its losses, turbulence, and beauty. While it’s fine to read books and consult with teachers, in the end we need to quiet the mind, center ourselves, and be at peace with whatever is going on inside.
Lack of an adequate concept of self-care and setting limits. Self-care includes everything from getting enough sleep to eating well, exercising, getting physical checkups, saying what’s true for you, making your dwelling place pleasant, keeping yourself from getting overly stressed, to having fun, exploring your talents, and feeling you have the right to live your own life. It means the ability to say No, Yes, and Maybe, without guilt or fear. Self-care is like breathing deeply, attuning to yourself, and treasuring the life you’ve been given. It’s about balance, resonance, and taking appropriate action.
A sense of self that is identified with images, concepts, and beliefs. People get stuck because they equate their thoughts, beliefs, and ideas with their identity. They have an image of how they want to appear instead of finding out who they really are. They believe in absolute definitions of good, bad, right, and wrong, and are unable to see these as concepts and ideas with different possible interpretations.
Repeating the same behavior and hoping the outcome will be different. This can mean nagging your partner, lecturing your children, running your business in a certain way, overeating, avoiding problems, being unhealthy, or being overly tired. People who stay stuck just keep doing the same old thing, hoping by magic there will be a new result, but it rarely happens.
Focusing on the overwhelming, how bad life is, and the terrible state of the world. Many people in difficult situations continually focus on how overwhelmed, upset, and unhappy they feel. They talk about it, bond with others over their plight, get sympathy, and keep their minds on their problems. A variation on this theme is when people don’t reveal themselves and instead talk about the terrible state of the world and all the stupid people who are running things. This keeps the downward spiral spinning, as opposed to asking oneself, “What is one thing I can do today to make myself feel better? How can I be more personal in my relationships? How can I have a positive impact on the people or world around me?” What’s crucial to understand is how all these traits affect the nervous system and ability to relax and be in “wise mind.” In other words, when we have an agitated, revved up mind or live in an exhausted body it’s difficult to reason, be responsive, or make wise decisions. We tend to act on impluse or make survival decisions that preclude planning or thinking through the long-term consequences of our actions.
4. Traits of People Who Stay Unstuck . . . At Least Most of the Time
People who generally