If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [17]
Yes, we can try to adjust how we feel and make an effort to change our situation for the better, but if there comes a point when you wake up every day with a knot in your gut, you dread going to work, want to sleep or eat chocolate all day, or feel a scream deep inside you, it’s time to hear the message—it’s not working. Buddhism doesn’t teach that you have to continue doing something you don’t like. It’s about listening to all the signals and realizing when it’s time to move on.
A month later, Alissa told me triumphantly that she had quit her job and was applying for teaching positions in several locations, some far away. This typifies another trait of people who get unstuck. They are willing to make big changes without guarantees. Alissa figured she could do all kinds of jobs to get by if a teaching position didn’t materialize.
A few days later, I spoke with Alissa’s sister, Danielle, twenty-six, who excitedly told me she was leaving a high-paying job in New York City, which had once been her dream, to start a doctoral program in psychology. Then I heard that her brother Alex, who was a sophomore at Columbia University, had decided to switch universities because he wanted a different sort of music program. Finally, I heard that the third sister had just been accepted to a small Southern college. Four children, four different universities, four changes. Clearly, this is a family that encourages unstuck thinking when it comes to jobs and lifestyles.
Floundering is the space between letting go of one job and finding another, leaving one relationship and meeting new people. It’s the dissonance before the resolution. The tension before the relaxation. It’s a necessary part of change. It’s our ability to tolerate this discomfort that helps us get unstuck because we don’t make hasty decisions to quell our agitation. We ride it out and keep looking for a situation that is better.
The floundering times in our lives can be simultaneously uncomfortable and exciting. There’s an anticipation of change mixed with a big question mark about what’s coming. So much is open to us. We can talk with others, hear their stories, play with ideas, explore new possibilities, and then live with patience (or impatience) as our path unfolds. We can remember that in many ways we’re following life as it comes to us. So remember, make your best effort, let go of the outcome, then relax and enjoy the passing show.
7. What Makes Change So Scary? Explore the Payoffs That Keep You Stuck
The human mind likes a strange idea as little as the body likes a strange protein and resists it with a similar energy.
—W. I. BEVERIDGE , SCIENTIST
Why is change so hard? Because we adopted most of our behaviors to survive or comfort ourselves in some way. Sneakiness, lying, compulsive eating, shutting down, thrill seeking, burying feelings, being perfect, or acting like a victim initially served a purpose. Namely they helped us get approval, attention, or sympathy, avoid being shamed, feel excitement, or escape feeling horrible about ourselves. Unfortunately, many of these behaviors became the escape hatches that now keep us stuck. They are the counterfeit comforts, the short-term forms of relief that block long-term happiness.
I went back and forth on whether to use the term payoffs because of its sinister connotation, as in one gets paid off for some kind of dirty deal or a sign of weakness. The psychological term, secondary gains, is indeed accurate and softer, but it sounds so technical. In this context I’m asking the question, “What do you get from a behavior that makes it hard to give up, even