If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [18]
Long-standing payoffs for certain types of behavior can feel like good old friends. Giving up payoffs means eliciting the spiritual warrior within us. I don’t believe anyone truly wants to be stuck or stay stuck. However, the gains or payoffs from stuck behavior can be a powerful force in keeping us stuck. For example, if I give up portraying myself as a pathetic victim, I will have to give up the sympathy I get from others. If I give up blaming the world (mother, father, horoscope, injustice) for my problems, I will have to take action on my own behalf . . . and I may not have a clue how to get started. This can feel daunting.
Admitting to the payoffs for hanging onto our our stuck places can be embarrassing—we hate to admit to the ways we elicit guilt, manipulate others to feel sorry for us, or avoid responsibility. But remember, you need to acknowledge your payoffs if you want to get unstuck. In past therapy groups we’d often have a session at which we would reveal how we conned or manipulated other people through our sad stories, guilt-inducing words, or intimidation. Everyone would usually start out feeling sheepish, but by the end we were laughing at ourselves and feeling an amazing amount of energy. This reflects how freeing it is to admit to our lies and cons. As one woman said, “It’s kind of like, the game is up! I can’t do that anymore and play innocent.”
Remember, the idea of exploring the payoffs from your stuck places is to bring them on screen and become aware of them so you have a choice about what you want to do—you can’t let go of what you don’t acknowledge.
Payoff Inventory/Secondary Gains
The following list is inspired in part by Ken Keyes’s The Methods Work If You Do, and in part by a list I created for my clients many years ago.
Read each question to yourself, or have someone read it to you. Notice your internal reactions—which ones elicit a response and which ones don’t? Answer with just a few words or sentences, and notice when you start to rationalize, analyze, or make excuses . . . What’s that about?
Bring up a habit or behavior that has you stuck and is hard to let go of, then see if any of the following items fit. (Examples: not speaking up, berating yourself, overworking, isolating.)
I get to distract myself from underlying feelings of emptiness, loneliness, fear, and sadness with this behavior. (Example: eating chocolate, staying busy, overworking, focusing on others, staying in a chaotic relationship.)
This behavior is soothing and lowers my anxiety. (Examples: compulsive sex, eating, cleaning, chocolate, working, being perfect, gossiping, isolating, not speaking up.)
I get sympathy and attention. (People feel sorry for me, worry about me, and call to help me. This feels as if I’m loved.)
I get approval, admiration, status, rewards, money. People want to be with me.
I get a sense of intensity. It’s exciting and life feels important. I might feel depressed or bored without this intensity.
I get to avoid revealing myself. (Examples: one-upmanship, talking about other people, ranting about the terrible state of the world.)
I get to avoid taking responsibility for the state of my life. (Examples: blaming, talking about my terrible childhood.) Nothing is ever about my lack of effort or mistakes; it’s always about other people or situations.
I keep people from confronting me or being angry with me. (Examples: I’m in such pain and my life is so difficult; I’m so sweet, generous, and innocent; I’m so intimidating.)
I get to be right, and make others wrong. I can feel superior, righteous, and above others, and I don’t have to see their suffering.
I get to fit in and not threaten anyone. (Examples: rescuing others, be-ing agreeable, not asking for anything, hiding my intelligence, opinions, and needs.)
I get to have a sense of belonging. (Examples: joining with people who also talk about their wounds,