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I get to avoid looking at my part in a troubled situation by blaming and trying to get everyone else to change. I analyze others and tell stories about the crazy/mean things they do.

I get to be a martyr and make other people feel guilty. (Examples: I’m so good, I’m suffering so much, maybe they’ll give me money, take care of me, and not ask anything of me in return.)

I have an excuse for poor performance or not being responsible. People won’t expect anything out of me. (Examples: I’m in great distress, my life is such a mess.)

I get to avoid making mistakes or feeling incompetent. (Example: I don’t stretch myself or try anything new.)

I get to feel sorry for myself, or they’ll feel sorry for what they did! (Example: I dwell on my bad luck or tough life or get others to feel guilty.)

I get to convince myself I’m doing something useful. (Instead of facing reality and taking action I endlessly analyze my situation, talk with friends, see psychics, read books, get advice, see therapists, go to spiritual retreats. This also applies to endlessly processing painful relationships.)

I get to avoid the terror of emptiness. (Examples: staying busy at all times, talking compulsively, developing addictions, having life in chaos.)

I never have to reach out to others. I get to remain invulnerable and not risk rejection by never asking for help or support. (Examples: I isolate, avoid social situations, and keep distance from people.)

I get to remain in a fantasy world. (Instead of seeing the “what is” of my situation, I can fantasize about how it might have been. I can also stay in a state of euphoric recall about sex, food, romance, or getting an award, for example.)

Other. Make up one of your own.

EXERCISE:

What Would It Take to Make a Change?

Ask yourself, “How is this payoff behavior causing me to suffer?”

Ask yourself, “How could I get what I want without using this payoff behavior,” e.g., “How could I calm myself, get comfort, ease my pain, or connect with people without a harmful behavior?” Give a lot of attention to this question. We don’t usually let go of a soothing behavior without having a new one available to us.

Consciously practice your payoff behavior. You might even exaggerate it. Be aware of your body sensations, energy level, and emotions. Then, in another situation, resist doing it and see how you feel.

If you feel anxious, empty, or uneasy when you don’t act out your payoff behavior, sit with the feelings without either expressing or repressing them. The more you raise your capacity to handle feelings and contain them, the less you will need your payoff behavior.

Ask yourself, “What beliefs about myself keep this payoff behavior going?” For example, it’s no big deal, I’ll quit tomorrow, just this once.

Talk with someone about your payoff behavior and tell them you want to make a change. Ask if you could call them to check in about how it’s going.

If it feels too hard to do on your own, find a skilled therapist to help you. Sometimes there is a lot of underlying pain and trauma, and we need a supportive person to be with us when we face strong feelings.

Remember, once again, we let go of a payoff behavior because it causes us to suffer in the long run, and keeps us from feeling at one with ourselves. It’s not about fixing yourself or being better or worse—Buddhism does not attach judgments to what you do, rather, it focuses on degrees of being conscious and unconscious, awake or asleep. You can let go or not let go, and in the cosmic scheme of things it’s still all One Energy. So be easy with yourself either way.

8. Step Beyond Your Fears

For a mind burdened with fear, with conformity, with the thinker, there can be no understanding of that which may be called the original.

—J.KRISHNAMURTI , ON FEAR

Fear is like a shadowy force hiding under our excuses, criticism, need to control, worry, and feelings of emptiness. Whenever you hear yourself making excuses, being evasive, or trying